I’ve been struggling in coping with just about everything in my life lately. I’ve lost the hope of having a home, a man I care deeply for, and a job that would allow me to get ahead in life. My footing was slipping and I lost sight of my priorities. My dreams seemed to go right down the toilet! And the toilet is where I found myself! My insecurities and depression saturated my every thought. Day after day I dwelled in self pity. In my heart I know I tried everything I knew to do, nothing seemed to work. I’m not a bad person. I try to do the right thing and be a kind person who loves to help others. Nothing seemed to matter. My living circumstance is not ideal. Oh! I miss my old place. I miss being in school. I just wanted a family so bad. My heart still aches at the thought…
Sitting here memorizing every step and every word of my life has brought me to this conclusion:
“ There are things that don’t belong to me. I try to possess these so called dreams and hold onto them for dear life. Life has other plans for me. In reality, none of these things were worth it.”
I will not give up…I just wave goodbye.
It’s been some time since I have written in this blog. I suppose I cannot put into words how I feel. Strangely as it may seem, I don’t have anything to say. I don’t want to hold conversations with people…like…no one. Forcing myself to speak is exhausting. I came across a poem this morning summing up what I go through. As terrible as this poem may appear, I find comfort in the way I am. It’s not healthy. Maybe because I know no other way. I wish I could express myself better. Anyways, here is the poem;
It was comparable to those old black and white movies back in my great grandparents day. How one scene jumped to the next scene. The reel just kept moving with antagonizing glimpses, not full pictures…just one glimpse after another. That is what happened to me in my kitchen of my old house, my old life. The room was spinning and it all came to me. Each scene was playing out quickly. Every word he said with every move began to make sense. The truth spread through me like a cancer. What spurred this revealing heartbreaking recall? One act of faith from a sinner that was tired and distraught in how sick and hopeless people are. In how hopeless I was. From that moment Jehovah took control…over me at least. He knew this was an opportunity for redemption and to bring me back.
With my legs shaking in fear, I recalled Jesus standing before the governor. I remember how Jesus remained silent through the scriptures. I read it and He recalled it. Jesus knew it did not matter what he said because they were going to judge him wrongly anyhow. When I was there, I began to pray and God recalled to my mind what Jesus did. I stayed silent. When I was in the backseat the authorities under the fake God of this system of things were intimidating me. My heart was racing but the drug nor their tactics prevailed. I kept silent. They were looking for me to act out. They were looking to me for blame. They sorely ,almost, accomplished their agenda against me because of my vulnerability. All what I say is truth. Those glimpses of Jesus and what he did is true. It’s not a miracle. It’s an act of God on a small scale. I thought God is going to show them who is boss. And I was definitely on His side. Let’s suit up. I now realize He stretched out His hand because of the very thing I asked Him for.
At times those memories haunt me. They’re powerful memories. Oh! but how vital they are in my transformation. To know I am not alone brings me tranquility and a sense of belonging. Above all, I have been given a freedom of choice. I’ve reacted poorly to some situations and have responded with wisdom in others. The understanding of still doing what is right and obeying God’s law under any and all circumstances IS beneficial.
The sinner, King David, life was protected by God when he was on the run. King David is well known and historically proven beyond the pages of the Bible. His name was found written on the wall of Jerusalem in modern day. There is ample proof that he did exist and was king. Listen to what he says through these verses. You can apply them literally or spiritually:
“My life is in constant danger, But I have not forgotten your law. The wicked have set a trap for me. But I have not strayed from your orders. I take your reminders as my permanent possession, For they are the joy of my heart. I have resolved to obey your regulations At all times, down to the last…”
No matter what is happening; no matter who is trying to hurt you. God says to obey even if it hurts. Today, I must apply this to my life. I’m still a work in progress and my sins still are there, but I won’t give up because I know these words were born faithful and true.
“Women who have been to hell and back are hard to love.” That was a post I seen today written by a friend. My first reaction was agreeable with what he was saying. But moments later after scrutinizing over those words, I felt indifferent to them.
Why do certain men feel that way? Maybe they should look at it from a different perspective. Sure, she is cautious and may not open up immediately. Why is it necessary to reveal everything in the beginning anyway? It takes the mystery from the person. There should be no rush. I feel men get discouraged when a woman doesn’t respond to their advances in the way they like or in the time frame they feel is suitable. That’s hog wash. People are too apt to jump into a relationship without knowing someone. The “hard to love woman” knows this best of all. Why don’t men follow her lead when it comes to dating? Do what she does; maybe they would learn something. Like… seeing their true colors in different situations.
More importantly is that a wounded woman will tend to be more compassionate. More empathetic and willing to comfort you when going through critical times in your life. She doesn’t want someone to suffer as she did. She will go beyond measures to see that doesn’t happen. She will stand by you because she knows how it feels to be left and thrown away. Her loyalty will be unblemished and her choices will be beneficial because at one time she made crummy choices. Her wisdom has grown from her scars. Her encouragement will raise the roof because she has seen rock bottom. Her strong will and independence will be the very thing you cling to. When you screw up, she will be that friend and tell you so. Your wounded woman will never hold your mistakes against you because she remembers the 1001 unforgettable mistakes she has made. Instead, she will help you correct those mishaps with understanding and love. Harsh words will not slip from her tongue because she was stabbed all over with reckless words. She will look out for your interests and not just hers. She is no girl anymore. She is a woman that has been to hell and back. Men say a wounded woman is hard to love and it’s simply not true. All men need to do is let her be… her. Don’t rush and enjoy the journey.
My advice for men is…to get yourself a wounded girl!
I tried to master the wind
I commanded her for my direction
And my indiscretion
My efforts were futile
Now I know she’s meant to be free
She has her own agenda
She carries my dreams
And gives it to the sun
Sometimes to the moon
I suppose I will leave her to nature
where she belongs
And allow myself to drift and see where she takes me
If she leaves, I will go there
If she comes, I will stay here
How do I let you go? It appears I cannot! I feel insane when I think of you. One moment I am laughing in hysterics and in the next…I am crying. Better yet, I am bitter but cannot bring myself to scream at you. I don’t have a right to give you the fifth degree. Would it do any good? Not for me because I want to see you smile. I, surely, don’t want to be the cause of any sadness or discomfort. I carry you with me everyday.
From the time I open my eyes and crawl out of bed I envision you standing in the doorway with a cup of coffee. I carry you in my heart. I carry you in my fingertips when I write. My thoughts always drift back to you when I am listening to someone else talk. Music reminds me of your voice and the way you speak to me…all in collaboration and with the melody flowing like honey. Your unpredictable touch gliding across my back sends shivers of hope to my heart. I carry you on top of my feet as I take each step on this journey. I carry you in my mind where your name shall be forever engraved. I carry the wish…that you felt the same.
It doesn’t work that way. I knew I would never see the day you bring me coffee…with two creamers. Mocha or French Vanilla would have been good…while I was sleeping. A girl gets tired of making her own coffee.
I love my people. I promise I will never leave my friends. I don’t care what they do or say, I will have their back. I will not leave them and I will remember the important highlights in their life. They will never feel lost, unwanted, or unloved. I will not leave them.
I’m running through a thick wooded forest. A group of 13 men are after me. My legs are trembling and giving out to the earth beneath me. The trees are spinning and ferociously trying to grab me with their arms. I cannot go any farther. I grab a tree stump that has been cut down for firewood to only weaken me as I try to stand up. I collapse. Looking over my shoulder I see an opening to what appears to be an open field. My gut extinct says not to weary that way, but there is no other option. If I go to the open I will be a target with no defense. I look around and see no alternative. My mind races back to what I was taught as a child. My breath is filling up like a balloon and slowly being squeezed out.
This is my last stance and I am fed up. I bend on one knee and look to the heavens above and silently express my love and gratitude for everything I have. The men are in the background. Their feet crushing the leaves like a hound dog tracking a criminal. Why am I the criminal when they’re doing wrong? Doesn’t matter. In a dead run I sprint for the opening. Making it time…I thought. Running right into the circle I stop dead on. There is no other path leading elsewhere. I see no entrance point. My mind relaxes, hands drop down, my head leans forward, and I inhale defeat and exhale freedom. I, once again, bend on one knee to show my honor and giggle for the relief.
As I am doing this last respect I hear a rumbling. My hair on my body stands to attention. My heart throbbing, I look behind me. The men seeking my soul is coming from the south. I look to the north and a pack of Clydesdale and Mustang horses are coming my way. Their encompassing me from two directions. My instinct is to bail. Someone whispers, “stand still.” Tears are dripping down my face and my muscles in my body are seeking refuge. I feel drunk and my stomach wants to regurgitate everything I ate. My lips are twitching while I watch the 30 plus horses ravage towards me. They are coming directly in my line. I will be trampled! I turn to run and someone’s arms wrap around me to keep me still. The horses are upon me. They split up between me running full force and circling me. One, two, three, four, five, and the sixth horse speeding by me, a mustang, stops and someone throws me up on him. No saddle, I grab his mane and he takes the lead with me on him. We are heading towards the brink of the open field.
My escape is at hand! Jah!!!! Suddenly the pact of horses with me in the lead changes direction without my control. I’m not in control…but I know who is. I don’t understand! We are heading towards the men who are in the field that was seeking to hurt me! I’m heading right to them! They see me on the lead horse and the Clydesdale’s in full speed coming towards them. Half of them run and the other half is stunned and unable to move. My horse charges forward. The leader of them met my eyes with fear. I feel something on my back as I hold on at 50 mph. I reach up behind my back and feel a cold metal object. Someone tightened my finders around it and I fearfully pulled it upward. It’s a sword! I knew that instant. I point it upward and cry out, “let your will be done.”I point my sword to the ungodly men and I am in battle…throw me to the pack and watch Jah have me come back leading them…
Sometimes I win some…sometimes I lose some. As long as I have you Jah I’m always up. Let’s weed them out. I stand by me.