I haven’t written anything for a minute and I sure miss it. For the last week I have been settling into my schedule at school. I was feeling emotional and aggravated. I’m not sure why but it may have been getting back on track with the new semester starting. I think the weather has had an impact on me mentally. It’s so cold and frigid that it becomes unbearable to be outside for any length of time. I feel isolated. Today I feel a little better. I attended a business meeting for people wanting to develop leadership skills and learn more about networking. The networking part caught my eye so I became a member of Terra Student Business Association, aka TSBA. I think this will help me become more valuable in the job market. If anything it looks good on a job resume. I even felt a little froggy and contemplated running to become an officer. The position I would seek, if I decide to do it, would be the Public Relations Officer. I would be responsible to create and to distribute press releases for activities and events. It might sharpen my marketing skills which would be great experience for me. I have to give it some thought because I have other responsibilities. As for this very moment in time I keep my head up and smile as much as possible. It’s been a bad week for me but I always repeat this to myself, “It’s a bad moment, day, or even a week but it’s not a bad life.” Bare and grin it until I pass the obstacles in my way. I will always get up, get dressed, and show up.
Who am I now? I’m an improved version of my former self. It has taken me some time to figure who I am, and maybe I will continue to find myself for the remaining days of my life. I’m hard on myself, I don’t mean to be it’s just the way I am. I love too much and I feel too much. I’m broke and flawed. I’m gullible and blind to people’s intentions. I want to believe people are naturally kind and not out to hurt me. I build up walls when I get hurt and they are hard to knock down. I do this to preserve my sanity. Through all the awful things I’ve endured I still have dreams. I love God and godly things. I want to be successful and be able to stand on my own feet. Nowadays I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and have overcome some major obstacles. I’m sober and will remain that way. I’ve dealt with loneliness successfully. I have completed a full year of school. I have made a few friends. I have a new job and my own place. I’m working on building up relationships with my children. I love to make people smile, it warms me up. I’m not afraid to stand up for what is right especially when spiritual things are involved. I want to be liked and that makes me a people pleaser. I’m a hard worker and enjoy new experiences. I would make a good wife. I love family and I need a sense of belonging. I’m an understanding and forgiving person. Taking all these qualities into consideration I feel that I’m a good person that would do just about anything for anybody. I have always known that about myself, it was instilled in me from the time I was young. At the end of the day I love falling asleep peacefully knowing I did my best that day and I stayed true to myself. There is nothing on earth that can give me inner peace like that. That good stuff only comes from God.
Anybody that knows me will tell you I have a problem with my age. I know it’s dumb to dwell on it for the mere fact I can’t change it. Do I think 40 is old? Nope. I’m right there with the 30 somethings. I look around and think how did I get here so quick. What in God’s creation is going on? How did this happen? I have people tell me all the time that I don’t look my age. Are they saying 40 is old? I know they are complimenting me but I’d rather have them say 40 isn’t old, you’re just a kid. I feel it goes deeper than that. I want to re-do my 30’s because I feel that I wasted those years. I want to go back in time and start over but I can’t. I know it’s wishful thinking. I have to accept it is what it is. On a lighter note 40 has been good so far, but it’s early yet (just kidding). The only thing I can do is make the rest of my life better. I do my best nowadays to dwell on nothing from the past and that includes my younger ages. I fear sometimes that I will have to live the next 40 – 50 years the same way. I’m continuously making efforts to improve my life but I feel scared I’m not going in the right direction. My faith holds me together. I think of scriptures when I begin to feel apprehensive about the future, the heaviness is lifted which I’m so grateful for. In the end I will get over the age thing and I will overcome my fear. I keep a positive attitude which has helped me immensely. I still and will always have the eye of the tiger. No matter what I get up, get dressed, and show up.
Why do I write? I write to express myself, to entertain, to heal, and to inspire. I love to write about my experiences and memories. For some reason seeing them written down shows me who I am. I find things out about myself the more I write. It also triggers other memories that I stored away a long time ago. More frequently it’s becoming happy memories. I didn’t realize how strong of a person I can be. I love to share my experiences because I truly want to help other people, but it’s more than that, I heal from it. I want to offer words of encouragement to lighten someone else’s load. One of the most important things that I have learned about myself is that I’ve been through a lot of hardships. Most of them happened because of my own stupidity or it was my association. I have gained knowledge and heartache in many areas of life. I can write a story about the abuse of alcohol and drugs. I can write about being a good parent and a bad one. I can write about being in bad relationships I called “love.” I can write about the love God has for people. Whatever it may be it seems that I have something to say about it. Writing does that for me.
Today was better than yesterday. I had one long meeting for work that seemed endless. The beginning was dreadful and the end wasn’t much better. The middle was a little more exciting when my coworker showed up. She didn’t show up in the usual way, she made a grand entrance. We were sitting in an auditorium with the steps in the middle of the room going in a downward direction. I’m sitting in the second row from the top. As I was intently listening to the speaker (I’m kidding) I feel this rumble and my bottle of water goes flying off my desktop.It scared me half to death! I look down and low and behold there is my coworker rolling down the steps on her side. I thought good lord there’s Sheila. She got herself up and took a chair not looking at anybody, including me. I couldn’t make eye contact with her in fear of cracking up laughing. I sat there looking straight ahead, I wasn’t looking to disrupt the teacher while she was speaking. Oh no, I got up too early to get kicked out. We finally look at each other and we of course starting laughing, we couldn’t stop. For a moment there I thought I was going to have to step out, I was losing it. She “claims” she was looking for me and didn’t see the steps. Well she fell right at my feet, guess she found me. It felt great to laugh uncontrollably like that even though it wasn’t a good time to do so. I’m a firm believer that laughter can pull you into a happier mood.
Things go wrong and such is life. I was on my way to a meeting for work and I discovered I have a flat tire. It sucks that I won’t make any money by attending the meeting, but I can get over that. I will try to pick up hours some other time. I’m proud of myself on how I handled it. A year ago I would have felt my world was collapsing. I giggle to myself thinking about it. Yea it’s irritating but not the end of the world. Everybody has gotten a flat tire before, right? Right. But I feel irritated in another sense. It’s hard to describe but I think it’s because I have to deal with everything by myself. It would be nice to have someone there when you have a flat tire. I don’t need someone to fix it, but it would be awesome to have someone there. Even if they laughed at me. Yes that would be better than nothing at all. I don’t have many friends. The one male friend I have works midnight’s and is sleeping right now. I hoping my brother n law will come to my rescue. I’m sick and tired of being alone. It’s time I reach out and take a chance. No matter what comes to be I will still be me. I will keep going with a smile on my face despite what comes my way. One of the most important things I have learned in life is that things do change….
The year 2013 taught me how to keep going despite all the problems I was dealing with. It doesn’t matter if you lost your job, maybe had a breakup, or lost your home. What matters is how you handle these situations. Here are some things that helped me:
1. BELIEVE IN GOD- It’s important to believe in something greater than yourself. Let Him love you.
2. DO THE RIGHT THING- No matter how hard it is, you need to be true to yourself and the ones you love.
3. USE GOOD ETHICS AND MORALS-Let’s face it, we ALL have done things we are not proud of. We are imperfect. Be honest and trustworthy. Work hard. Keep clean in every aspect. I have found the longer you use good judgement the less mistakes you make. It feels great and you deserve to feel dignified.
4. YOU WILL WORRY- Don’t dwell on it. I have learned that there is an answer to everything. Look for it. Don’t sit and pout (it doesn’t work trust me).
5. OCCUPY YOUR TIME-Take up a hobby of any kind. Think hard about what you enjoy doing. Don’t say nothing because boredom will set in. A routine of daily exercise, cleaning, cooking, and socializing helped me tremendously. You need to feel productive.
6. LAUGH-Read something funny, tell something funny. I don’t care but laugh your butt off. I’m naturally a goofball so laughter made a big difference for me. Trust me on this one.
7. EXERCISE-It relieves stress and you will never know how much until you do it. Plus, you will get in good shape! It’s a win-win.
8. DON’T OVERINDULGE IN ALCOHOL-A drink here and there can be relaxing. Don’t start getting drunk and there is no need to drink everyday. It will solve nothing, it will only add to your problems. You need a clear head to help yourself.
9. LISTEN TO MUSIC-It does wonders!! It puts you in a different mood instantly. All I have to say is turn it up!
10. GET UP, GET DRESSED, AND SHOW UP-You hate your job? Do it anyhow and be grateful you have one. I know how it feels to just lay in bed and not want to go anywhere, you begin to lose hope. Well you’re not going to find it underneath the covers. Get up and push, push yourself.
When things go wrong and you handle it like a champ-that’s inner peace people. You’re not afraid, you know that you did the right thing, and God is always there. It’s the feeling that everything will work out. Letting go induces inner peace tremendously. The definition of inner is; mental or spiritual, not outward. Peace is defined as; tranquility, quietness, not quarrelsome. In essence inner peace is a quarrel deep inside your mental or spiritual state that seizes to exist. You set it free. It no longer binds you to the past. You’re not afraid of the road that lies before you. Without it, it’s difficult not only to live the life you want, but it’s hard to live at all. God supplies you with his love and power to remind you everyday that it is He that will flower you with lasting inner peace. Sadly, people are foolishly enticed to acquire large amounts of money or power in hopes to satisfy the necessity of inner peace. There is no substitution. It doesn’t always happen over night, and sometimes you have to go through some hard knocks to achieve it. I do believe that it lies within each of us, we just have to learn to release it. My life is far from perfect but inner peace brings more comfort than anything you could possibly buy from a store. It won’t solve all your problems but it helps you stay calm while you’re going through it. The feeling is pure relief. It’s a blessing bestowed upon us from the Most High. I wish for people to have that peace of mind because I do believe that they would be happier. I believe that they would make others happy. Gain it, feel it, and send it back into the world. Today, I feel calm because I do know that no matter what comes my way there is a solution and I will also defeat this.
get up, get dressed, and show up
I think for today I’m going to treat my blog as a journal. I’m going to get something off my mind. I won’t complain but I want to talk about the things that are bothering me this very morning. When I woke up the first situation weighing heavily on me is my education. I was informed out of the blue that I don’t qualify for anymore financial aid. I have all these college credit hours with no degree to speak of. The state wants to know why. I understand what they are saying, I get it. Majority of those credits were obtained 20 years ago. I had to stop and think about that for a moment. I can’t believe that I’m old enough to say I went to college 20 years ago. Of course I attended college shortly being out of high school, none the less it feels awkward to think of the number “20.” I don’t feel my age, that is what is so deceiving. I feel no different than when I was 30. Maybe my mind is in defense mode (just kidding). I know being in the infant stages of 40 is not old. The reason I know this is because if I was old I would not be able to run as fast as I do. Yep, that makes sense. Now that I feel better let me get back to the college thing. Anyways, I had to submit an application to appeal their decision. I explained to them about my younger college days, and the fact I recently took classes for a degree that they no longer offer. That was a waste but it’s not my fault they did away with that program. I should have looked into more closely, but I had no clue that they would go back 20 years. I suppose I’m learning the hard way again. Trial and error is how I have learned, I wish some of the consequences weren’t so harsh, but such as life. Meantime I wait to hear their answer. I’m prepared either way. What bothers me the most is that I have no skills to fall back on. I can’t live off the money I’m making now, and I don’t qualify for most jobs. My options are extremely limited and that is frustrating for me. I ask myself what do what I want out of a job? I want to be happy, live comfortable, do something worthwhile, and make a difference for my children. I need them to see me succeed. In the end I won’t fret because I do know God will provide no matter what path I go down. What makes me feel better about the situation is that I know I’m not afraid to work, I won’t give up, I have the eye of the tiger, and a strong belief in if there is a will there is a way. I’m not the first person to encounter this problem and I won’t be the last. Until I find the right position that fits me I will continue to get up, get dressed, and show up. Oh yeah, I will keep laughing, the one thing that soothes my soul.
I think one of the things that I have had to overcome is feeling guilty. My mother once told me that I have always struggled with guilt. She was right, I find it difficult to forgive myself. I can forgive others freely because I do know we all make mistakes and are imperfect, but I can’t pass that mercy unto myself. I can’t figure out why I can’t let myself off the “hook.” Maybe I never will or maybe I’m not meant to. The hurt I have brought to the people I love is devastating to me. I can’t stand the way I have acted in the past. Sure there were times I didn’t know better, or I didn’t fathom that my actions would speak so loudly and bring sorrow to the ones listening and taking notice. I can’t change the past, but I can do better today. It’s important for me to apologize and make amends if possible. In the meantime I have found comfort in one of the Bible writers, King David. I could only imagine the guilt and turmoil this lover of righteousness went through. Here he was anointed as king directly by the hand of God, a position of great responsibility and accountability. His representation of the Most High and His standards were to be taken seriously. King David committed some serious sins, not out of evilness but out of imperfection. He committed adultery and murder. Did God forgive him? Yes, because he knew his heart, Did he experience trouble, struggle, and upheaval in his household because of his actions? Yes, according to the Bible he had trouble for the “rest of his days.” Sometimes the consequences of our choices are felt for a long time, but God does forgive. The book of Psalms expresses David’s cries for mercy, mercy from guilt and shame that plagued him. He was forgiven. This shows me that God is forgiving and wants to see me guilt-free. Psalms 25:7 states, “The sins of my youth and my revolts O do not remember, According to your loving-kindness do yourself remember me, For the sake of your goodness, O Jehovah.” My slate can be wiped clean through his son Jesus Christ. This is the best gift to all people. Nowadays the tension from the past has eased up somewhat and I know I will be okay.
get up, get dressed, and show up