I Offer Myself To You

1377344_437763146327724_941393617_n-1.jpgI have nothing to offer you except my love, heart, mind, and devotion. I have very little monetary items to offer you. But my loyalty will speak for itself. I do believe in love, and not the fairy-tale love that is dreamed up and depicted in movies to soothe and give hope to those who are faint at heart. This love comes from a place most unexpected, a place so deep that I myself have not been there. I must say that it could be divine?  Possibly, but it’s hard to explain. No words or sentences can explain it. It’s a feeling. It’s like a magnet that pulls you forward, resistance is futile. The feeling is pure, the feeling is love. The calmness that penetrates my heart and my whole being is simply happiness. I want to give that back to the one that showed me that it was unacceptable to even imagine let alone act on anything less than I deserve. When my desire to carry on was next to nothing he was the one that gave me a glimpse of hope. He cared and was genuine about it. I seen that in his eyes. It was not okay with him. Those words struck a cord, a cord that has not been strung for some time. Only if he could understand the impact that he had on me at that moment. It changed me as I watched him walk away. I wanted to know more about him, to be close to him, and to have him wrap his arms around me. I felt secure in his presence. I still want him. I want him to be happy, I want to make him happy. I want him to be everything he wants to be and I want to help him do exactly that. If he wants the stars I will reach up and grab them for him. Only if he understood that I don’t have to know every detail about him to love him. His actions speak loud and clear of what type of man he is, the other stuff is minor and imperfection. I open my heart and my home to the man I love. I hope he hears my voice and I will promise him that I will no longer just ramble on for hours. I would not want to irritate my love with nonsensical ramblings. lol

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Just Another Reason To Write

i just finished writing a few sentences about my writing, but there is so much more to the story than 50 words can describe. Writing to me is life altering. It can be much more than the way I feel. I can become an inventor with my words. It allows me to write my story any which way that I choose. I can take bits and pieces and create the world I wish to live in. It will entertain and keep the reader guessing what will happen next. I can become the person I longed to be. I can be Imagesomeone else, doing everything different, and glistening the world with hope, love , and laughter. The book is my castle and I’m the queen. I can make people believe in something that is not even there. Words are not written in stone. I can erase and re-write the story at will. The outcome is whatever I make it. Writing can be a dream, and dreams are what makes the world go round. Creative writing is the best medicine for any ailment. Exercising my imagination is a pure release of all the pain and sadness that life has brought to my door. Writing helps me close that door and gives me the key to lock it.

I Fought Like A Girl

I feel the motivation to write about something that I don’t care to remember let alone talk about.  It’s about drug addiction and alcoholism. I’m all to familiar with these bad habits. I call them bad habits because they do not have to be a permanent fixture in your life. People are always the first to judge a person who does drugs. Let them, their judgement and opinion matters to no one except to themselves. You must remember to let God take care of what they think. Not your business. It’s a vicious cycle that takes everything from you.The meaning of life is disturbed by the very presence of every morsel of the drug. You do something stupid, and the next thing you do is try to cover up the pain and guilt by indulging in the exact same thing that caused your stupidness. That’s drug addiction for you, never ending and in your way. It’s how you cope. It makes you feel better at least for that moment. In the long run it does more damage than it does good. It tears at your inner self and leaves no room to breathe. Addiction is not a blow but more like a knockdown. But while the referee is counting to ten you have time to get back up. That countdown is your window of opportunity to regain your strength and stand back up before the match is over. Put your fists back up and go another round. Yes, sometimes fighting an addiction is much like this-an ongoing battle. No one knows the battle until they’re in the ring. No one knows how it feels to keep getting punched and wanting to give up. After awhile the boxer learns to block the blows, sidesteps the opponent, and eventually takes him down. The drug is your opponent. You have to block and move out of the way. Standing in the same place doing nothing will get you knocked out permanently. Drugs are a temporary pleasure leading you down a road of destruction. Don’t be scared. You can do it, you are not alone.

I used drugs for a relatively short period of time compared to other people with addictions. None the less I know all the “complications” that come along with it. I was at the end of my rope. All I can write about is what I did to help myself. It started with a desire, a desire not to live like that anymore. My desire was so strong that I could taste it, smell it, feel it, and imagine it. I cried for it. I began sobriety all by myself, I didn’t go around anyone that wasn’t sober. I searched for anybody that didn’t “party.” I was doing well until I moved back home and drugs entered intoImage my family. That was my first mistake, I put myself around the party. You must sidestep or get out of the way of ALL people that are doing drugs. Remove yourself from ALL situations that will tempt you. You are better to be alone than to be around people that don’t care about you. Pray, pray, and pray more. Get support and let things go. I fell in love with sobriety and developed a hatred for drugs. I learned to actually hate them and the damage that they cause. Feed that hatred through remembering all the pain it has inflicted. I didn’t dwell on those memories, but I had to peek at them to remind myself where I was, so as not to go back there. Falling in love with sobriety came easy. I woke up feeling wonderful everyday. My mind was clear and sharp. No hangovers and no regrets. Things were scary at first. I didn’t know how to function. That may sound weird but I didn’t know what to do with myself. I came to the realization that I had to go back to the basics, I had to begin another life. I had to build a life for myself and it started with educating myself and taking baby steps with everything I did. School was positive and productive for me which helped keep me sober. I had hope for the future. I think hope and faith can take you places that you’ve never imagined, for an addict that means a happy life. It does get easier over time and the rain becomes a drizzle. Then you wake up and the sun is shining and the former things are where they belong-in the past. Let go of the past because you no longer live. there. To sum it up, I was ready to give up that life because I let that desire grow, I kept myself out of danger, I relied on God to lead me, I fell in love with sobriety, I became an eyewitness to the good things that began to take place in my life, and I switched drugs to productivity. Here I sit at this moment testifying that the bell didn’t ring for me. I got up before the knockout. To anybody that reads this please please never give up. Life is sweet, it does not have to be bitter. Fight until you win and don’t allow your opponent the upper hand. I got this and so can you! No matter what get up, get dressed, and show up.

 

My Quiet Life

I lead a quiet life nowadays. It’s not so bad and it’s better than all the chaos from my old life. I get up in the morning and brew a cup of coffee and surf the internet. I look at unimportant stuff but at least it’s quiet. No drama and no voices, just the way I like it. I get in my car and turn up the radio as loud as I want to. It’s wonderful and the best part is when I watch a movie and there are no interruptions. There is no one there that will give the ending away, or something like that. I only have to worry about my laughing interrupting something the actor is saying. I’m always on time when I go somewhere or have an appointment because there is no one there to put me behind schedule. I only have to cook for myself which saves me a lot of time to do other things. After I come home after a long day of work my ears welcome the silence. I workout alone and that allows me to focus on my regime. If I play a game I always win because silence doesn’t know how to play too well. I don’t have to worry about the pitter patter of little feet or the warmth of a child’s laughter. I have no arguments to contend with. I get the whole bed to myself and no one Imageis there to steal the covers. No messes to clean up. I don’t have to impress anyone because the quietness doesn’t care what I look like or how I feel. I have no let downs because I have no expectations. I am my own best friend, a true friend. This is my quiet life nowadays…

I’m Blessed

I feel blessed today. I feel good all over from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. My life gets better with each day. I’m so thankful to God for saving me and giving me the insight and wisdom to say enough is enough. He planted a seed in my heart and mind, and He began to water it without me knowing. I didn’t want to budge but he made me do it. I smile thinking about it now because He is the only one that read my heart. A reader of hearts, that He is! My life is not perfect but I have everything I need because of Him. I have a car so I don’t have to walk in the cold, I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, plenty of food, running water to take a bath and most importantly to make coffee, I have a job, and I’m going back to school to get a better job down the road. I have two beautiful daughters and get the opportunity to grow up with my granddaughter. I have a few friends I do things with and a few friends I don’t see but they rest in my heart. I have this blog to be able to speak of all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me, little o me. I couldn’t imagine my life would be this good 18 months ago. Not only does Jehovah move you, he does so quickly. Life changing! He says that you will sow what you reap. You sow wholesome things then good things will come to you. You don’t have to be perfect for God to help you. I surely am not perfect but I try and God sees that I’m trying to live up to some of his standards. God helps those who help themselves. It all starts with a prayer and wanting to do the right thing. I always know He is there for me through thick and thin, through stormy and sunny days. Jehovah never forgets. He gives you the power to dance in the rain. He says, “look I’m making all things new.”Image

Baby Steps Are Not Just For Babies

1619518_746232038740873_907428331_nWhen life throws a curve ball and knocks you down, sometimes the best thing to do is go back to the basics, learn to walk again. Think about a baby that is beginning to learn to walk. The first thing she notices is that mom and dad walk. She observes this concept and now wants to imitate them. So her desire begins. She pulls herself up and now she is standing. She stands there for a few days, scared and not sure how to do it. Tired of not going no where she puts one foot out to go forward, and then she falls. Confused and bewildered she stands back up. A day later she does the same thing and falls. Immediately she pulls herself up and stares at mom as she waves her over calmly, whispering, “you can do it.” Thoughts of wanting to get to mom are crossing her mind but she don’t know how. This has been going on for sometime and out of frustration she begins to cry. Mom is not giving up and continues to warmly invite her to walk towards her. She puts one foot out and takes a step, then a second step, and falls once again. But now she has a little understanding on how to do it. At the end of the week she is capable of taking five steps before she lands on her butt. Excited and full of confidence she gets up quickly and goes right back at it. Before too long she is walking around the room realizing this is so much easier and quicker than crawling! The toys scattered around the room trips her up but she learns to walk around them after awhile. For the next few months she will occasionally lose her balance but her falls become less. Today she has mastered the art of walking and is thrilled about learning to run.

This story can apply to any of us at any age. My daughters had a look of determination and concentration written all over their face when they took their first step. Eyes glued to the ground to see where they were going. This is necessary when we are pushed into a new direction. Place your eyes directly in front of each step until you’re capable of looking up into the distance without falling. I felt at the beginning of my journey I was to old to start all over again. For goodness sake I already know how to walk and have been doing it for a long time! God threw me in a different direction, a place I have not been to in a long time. I had to change my thinking and readjust myself several times to bring me back to who I am. Reliance on God, my friends who spurred me on, and my desire has token me farther than I thought I was capable of going. But I had to learn how to walk down this new road. I needed to fall and stumble until I got it right. I’m thrilled to say that I don’t make the “rookie” mistakes like I used to, but I still watch my step so as not to stumble in the midst of all the stones thrown in my path. I’m not perfect and that is okay. I have no words to write on how thankful I am to God, my special someone, my parents, and my friends who scolded me, believed in me, and most importantly never gave up on me. The ghosts of my past, present, and future will remain in my heart where they will be kept safe and never forgotten. I don’t forget where I came from but now I have hope. I still hear their whispers edging me toward the peace I deserve. With exuberance I look forwards to running. Until then I will always get up, get dressed, and show up.

Life Is Good

As Forrest Gump says, “life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you’re going to get.” That nails it right on the head. You never know when your world will be turned upside down. Everything you know and thought to last for the rest of your life can be gone in a moment’s time. Your stability is wiped out and everything is swirling around you and you sit there trying to grasp onto what is happening. Ah…those were the days. Life still isn’t always clear but the one thing I know is that if you have hope the dust will settle and your eyes will dry up. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I believe that now but it also changes you. I think it builds you up to handle and conquer the obstacles that lies ahead of you in life. Through all the problems, let downs, and heartaches life is still good. Simple things like watching a comedy on TV or reminiscing over pictures from the good times in life can help clear that dust and dry up those eyes. Meditating on nature and appreciating all that God has created is calming.  Waking up to meet the sunrise and feeling good is underrated. I fell in love with sobriety which is the way God intended me to live. My senses became more keen, the leaves on the trees were brighter and full of life, the sky appeared bluer, the birds chirping and going about their morning routine became music to my ears, and my taste-buds became delighted with every bite I took. A simple smile from a stranger or listening to a child’s laughter is exquisite to the soul. Life was good even in my darkest hour.  Above all, God was still there with his hand placed over me like a shield. Sure have I made mistakes? Yes, but with his guidance they have become fewer and far in-between. I have went back to school, got a car, a job, and my own place to live within 18 months. Life is good. I have been humbled by the people and that special person who cared for me when I no longer cared about life. They taught me how to love myself, a lesson that was difficult for me to learn. In the end all I can do is the best I can. Always keep love, faith, and hope within eyesight. Do the right things by God and the law. Be a friend and a good samaritan to all those in need. No matter what you are going through there is good in life.