Tamed

Last night at work I re-visited an emotion that I haven’t felt for a while. It’s surprising how things can trigger it when you least expect it. I work with the elderly in an assisted care facility. I was taking care of a woman whose husband passed away the night before. They were married for 72 years. He was 98 and she is 96. As she was brushing her teeth I decided to pull back her bed since she doesn’t stand very well, I’ve done this many times for the both of them. As I was pulling back the blankets I glanced at the other side of the bed where he slept by her side for 72 years. She will never see him again. He died quickly in the emergency room and there was no time for her to prepare herself. It was a matter of two hours and he was ripped away from her. He was everything to her. I seen his jacket spread across his favorite recliner and his shoes laying by the bed where he always kept them. In the morning when she wakes up she will see them but not him. It was like I was feeling her pain. I had to go around the corner because I began to break down and the tears began to flow, there was no stopping them no matter how hard I tried. It’s devastating to lose everything you know. Her children all live out of state along with her grandchildren. She had no siblings. I walked back into the bathroom and realized she will be alone. My heart dropped for her. I HATE to see someone go through something like this.

After I left I began to feel better and examine why I was so emotional for a brief moment. I can sit and talk about how I had to start a new life for myself and I won’t shed a tear. I can talk about it with enthusiasm and pride on how far I came. But standing there, looking into her eyes, and the thought of everything changed so quickly brought on a wave of emotion for me. It wasn’t the fact I’m extremely close to them…it was pure emotion. I didn’t want her to feel loss in that sense. I guess it took me back and I remembered feeling that way. Feeling like what the heck just happened. Until it has happened to you it’s hard to explain. Do I miss the past? Nope. It was not about “thinking” about my past, it was a “feeling” that came over me. There were no individuals, things, or places that came to mind as this was happening. Don’t get me wrong I know where it stemmed from but that very second it began to wash over me I felt my heart begin to swim for shore. I think I finally comprehend the expression, “you may forget what happened but you don’t forget how it made you feel.”

I think it’s important to process it and not run from it. I processed it and let myself feel it. I put it into perspective and let it breathe instead of suffocating it so that-inspirational-9573 it would go away. It took less time to deal with it and get pass it then to let it simmer and smother me. I did this among all the other emotions that I’m under and it showed me how much I’ve grown. It teaches me to cope in a healthy way, the best way to deal with feelings that are painful. This morning it gave me confidence and proves that life does go on. I guess this filly can be tamed after all. I will always get up, get dressed, and show up.