I was not always thankful. Matter of fact, I was down right fed up with life. I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t stand the people around me. I felt that if this is the way things are supposed to be I’d rather kiss this world goodbye. I actually made plans to exit this world. But for some odd reason I held on. Nowadays, I realize one of the things that was escaping my attention was thankfulness.
Since everyone is sharing why they are thankful today, I shall write what I’m thankful for. Of course I’m thankful for the tangible items I have like a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, a warm bed, a job, and my family and friends.
Right now I want to talk about the intangible blessings that cannot be bought nor sold. I’m thankful for who I am and what I have become. I like myself, and thank God for removing the blinders from my eyes. Uncovering my strengths and instilling wisdom in me is a gift that I can offer to others. Joy and happiness was something that I thought was lost out to sea to never be recovered and brought to the surface. I found that not to be true. I was wrong. My soul has been replenished with hope, love, self-worth, understanding, and the ability to stay strong. I have recovered my dignity and true identity. Being myself brought me my joy and happiness. Passion has found a way into my heart through writing. Contentment has replaced chaos. Yes…I’m thankful for the things that cannot be seen but only felt.
Self confidence? Who me? Unfortunately not. Yea-I have to work on that one. I’m easily discouraged because I have zero faith in my abilities. I constantly compare myself to others. They seem to be better than me at everything, especially when it comes to writing. Wow! There are beautiful writers in the world that have a knack in turning something commonplace into a masterpiece. I applaud their contributions to the world and enjoying reading every piece published. I often wonder how they have acquired such profound thinking. I feel as if I’m a closed minded person compared to them. Maybe it was because I’ve lived a sheltered life? Could be. Is it because I was bogged down with my personal agenda that I failed to look around the world and see what was going on? Could be, who knows. Nonetheless, I’ve came to a conclusion that I must continue to learn.
I realize that self confidence has to come from within. For me, it doesn’t come naturally. I have to become an architect and build my own confidence. I have to layout the blueprint and allow my actions to begin to build. Foundation is everything…and this is where I am at today. My heart beckons my mind to keep trying. When my mind says give up, my heart says,’please I want to.’ Therefore, I have my foundation. The desire. Write what you know are the wise words of a successful published writer told to me to do a while back. That is another block in the foundation. It’s many little things that will help my confidence blossom. Take criticism with a grain of salt and put that stuff in a proper place, like a waste basket. Trial and error, trust me on this, is all part of building.
Desire without actions doesn’t get me far. I’m learning not to fret over my grammar mistakes. Lord knows I better know the difference between there, their, and they’re, if not I might have a meltdown. Most important thing I’m doing is writing. All the other things will eventually come into place. As I continue to build I observe, read, and continue to write. I think if more people did things they enjoy and became good at it, their life would be filled with joy and their confidence would sky rocket. Confidence is being comfortable. Who likes to be uncomfortable? Not me. Nothing seems to ‘fit’ properly when I’m uncomfortable. I’m constantly in state of being fidgety, unhappy, and looking for other things or people to pacify me. I cannot very well base my confidence on someone else. That was a hard lesson to learn. Maybe one day I will pass on all the lessons I have learned to others through my writing. One never knows. Writing is how I’m learning to be confident and to get to know myself. It’s a wonderful revelation that will carry me into my future… .
Where did the time go? I’ve asked myself that many times. I look at pictures of my babies when they were young and I become consumed with an array of emotions. I wish and wish I could take back time, but there is no such thing. I have the present and the future to move their heart and show them how much I love them.
If you are a parent that have made mistakes, rest assured that God does forgive. I try not to let the guilt toil with me moving forward. Of course, some days are better than others. I had to forgive myself through God’s eyes because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have happened. Beating myself up over it drew me back into the past where I no longer live. I had to be tough and stern with myself. I had to constantly remind myself that if God forgave me then whom am I to condemn myself to the prison where guilt resides. Freeing myself of guilt is a challenge. Making amends was a good start. Explaining to them why things were the way they were helped lift that burden. Guilt is Satan’s way of undermining God’s love for me. He drowned me with it. God threw a life jacket of love, holy spirit, and the undeserved privilege of talking to him through his son Jesus. That my friends is how I have learned to forgive myself.
Meanwhile, I knew that there is always time to be a role model. My roles with my children have changed. It’s not worse or better, just different. I have accepted this new role with hope that they don’t make the same mistakes as I have done. Through my example I want them to see that people change, things change, and to expect that through the entirety of their life. I want them to know how to forgive and move forward. God is the answer to all things underneath the sun. There is more to people than visible to the eye. I pray they make better decisions, and I will be here to help them do that. I don’t know all the right answers, but I know what not to do…I offer that to Jacilynn and Alexis. The days of taking them to the circus, park, and getting them ready for school are cemented in the past. The days of childhood have drifted away like the sands of the sea. Memories are what I build my strength on now. Jacilynn has begun her journey into adulthood and Alexis is soon to follow…here is my chance. I pray to the Most High to instill in me a tree of wisdom so that my branches can reach their minds and my roots secure their hearts. Make them a tower of fortitude.
For any and all parents who wished they would have done things differently, please do not be swallowed in despair. There is always time to have a positive impact on your child’s life. Reconciliation might take some time, but every ounce of it will be worth it. Have patience and show love. Never give up…
I used to think that only time would heal a broken heart, pain, and failure. I don’t feel that way anymore. Time has very little to do with it. Helping others and making people feel that there is hope is a remedy that is not spoken about enough. It’s overlooked on all levels. Being there for someone and letting them know that they are not alone can have a tremendous impact on not only their life, but your’s as well.
It’s a God given duty to help another person. Now, I understand why that is a commandment. It’s because of the feelings that are given to the giver. The advantage is that you keep positive and you realize that you are not the only person in the world with pain. There is a much bigger picture than ourselves. Experiencing the joy of comforting another is priceless. Feelings of usefulness and purpose begins to roll forth. You become fulfilled…that is when healing begins.