Dear Worry and Fear, You Both Are Fired

My first week on my new job is over. I’m relieved with mixed emotions. I like the people I work with. I get along with everyone and they are more than willing to help me out when I need it. No complaints in that department. Sitting at a desk is something I’ve never done before. I like to stay active, so this has proven to be quite a challenge for me. Although I’m sitting in my pajamas writing this, I like to get up and go. Feeling stumped over on how I feel about my new position is rattling my brain. I can’t pin point it. Maybe because it’s still new? Maybe because I haven’t found what exactly I want to do as a career? I know what I love to do. Having a job that gives me a sense of purpose is important to me. Helping others and making a difference brings me joy, this I know. Am I working towards what I want to do with my time? So many questions, but no answers. I’m always the last one to know.

A sense of fear in making the wrong decision hangs over my head all the time. I don’t want to be without a job. On the other hand, I want to use my abilities to contribute to something purposeful. Confusion has consumed my concentration. Dear confusion, be gone! But you know what? I’ve been here before. In the last two years I worked as a factory worker, waitress, bartender, sales clerk in a clothing department store, STNA, college student, and now a concierge. When will this stop (I’m laughing)? Experience in different fields hopefully will give meaning towards something one day. I don’t know. I hate not knowing. Focusing on today has been my only choice. Sometimes in life we don’t know what will happen next. It’s scary! Will I be able to afford my bills? Will I lose my home? I figured I need to give every new position time. No more running from things that make me feel uncomfortable. The big girl pants are on and pulled up…

In the meantime, God will make sure that I’m taking care of. I’m alive and kicking now. I still have the things I need. He does this because He loves me AND I’m trying to live up to His standards. Uncertainty can be paralyzing. At times when I feel this way I remember the words He spoke, “I, Jehovah your God, am grasping your right hand, the One saying to you, ‘Do not be afraid. I myself will help you.”-Isaiah 41:13. This brings comfort to me. Worrying about things only weakens my mind and body. To this day, I have a hard time in letting go! I get the expression “just let it go!” I JUST GOT IT RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT!!! Let go of worry! Let go of fear! Let go of trying to be perfect! Let go of having everything in order! Let go of what tomorrow will bring because I have no idea! Let go of trying to be successful to the point where I’m miserable! Take a deep breath in and let life be…

Dear worry and fear, you both are fired. Oooh I hope my boss doesn’t say that to me. Just kidding…I’m not worried about it…:)

I DON’T GIVE UP

I’m thankful to be writing in this blog today! Kick off my shoes, pull my hair back, and cozy up in my chair is what I’m talking about. I hate going a few days without writing. This week has been something else to say the least. Too many things going on. Time and time again I put too much on my plate. Par for the course in my world. When will I learn. It’s good stuff, but there is something to be said about having too much of a good thing.

I started a new job position. My royal title is…I don’t know how to spell it. Something French, I believe. My duties consist of secretarial/marketing tasks. On top of that, I started another semester in school. To make things more complicated, I’ve had some medical tests done. Yes, all this within this past week. School and my job are demanding my attention. Did I include I have a short attention span? Yea…I’m in over my head. I will figure it out through the grinding of my teeth and my tears.

Stress and me are not a good mix. Anyways, I’m sitting in class Tuesday night feeling anxious about the following day, the day I start my new job, and the teacher wants to go around the room and have us introduce ourselves. She wants us to tell the class a little bit about who we are and what we are doing here at school. I DO NOT like talking in front of a group of people. This dreaded procession begins. I have so much on my mind I begin to feel anxiety. The first three girls gave their whole life story. What?? Come on, we don’t need to know that your kid received a B on her math test. Tell us where you are from and what your major is, that would be suffice. Noooo, they had to go on and on. Agitation is building up, and I felt like saying, “just send the teacher a memo already.” It’s not good when I become like this. While in class, I begin to write words, nothing sensible, but just writing and I began to calm down. Concentrating on school has become quite the chore for me. Class was over, and on my way home I felt like I cannot do this. Am I able to complete my new job the way it’s suppose to be done? Can I keep up with classes and long hours between work and school? Will my medical tests come back okay? God, I just wish I can come home to somebody and have them tell me it will be okay. That doesn’t happen when you live by yourself. This is a perfect example where my coping skills come into play. More so, this is where God can help me cope. I’m scared, worried, and lonely. Terribly.

I take a step back and remember where I come from. From the dungeons of despair. Fear can have such a gripping force that I have a hard time breaking free from it. Save me. Not to mention the other million things on my mind. I get on my knees and persevere in prayer. In this system of things, life is trying. Jehovah God says to throw my burden upon Him. That is what I did. Looking at each situation realistically. When the problem arises is when I will handle it, until then I let it go. If I cannot not handle everything will I die? Nope. Will God love me any less? NOPE! Will there be more opportunities? Yep. Is it the end of the world? Nope. Have I failed before? Yep. Can I overcome this? Yep, because I have overcame much worse in the past. Sometimes I need to take a moment and rehearse everything I just said. Stepping back and looking at things for what they are is the best approach to feeling calm. It is what it is. I will pray and do my best, if that is not good enough then my effort is needed elsewhere.

I wouldn’t know what I would do without God and writing. Feeling better writing this. I will always get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up…

Finally Living In The Present

What a wonderful day I’m having. I feel relaxed and rejuvenated. Life can be beautiful. What am I doing? Not much of anything. There are days where it is good to do nothing. I’m just thinking…

One of my biggest problems was to figure everything out immediately. No time to waste. I must accomplish everything, right now. But life has it’s own twists and turns. All I can do is hang on. During which time, it gives me the opportunity to examine where I’ve been and where I’m going. Never did I think I would be doing this at 40. Wasn’t I supposed to have figured things out by now? I’m getting there, and that’s okay.

But what about the present? Today. I think it’s important to examine where I’m at right now. Remembering the days when I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I was in a whirlwind with the sand kicked in high gear. Man, I couldn’t see two feet in front of me. Scared and anxious. Never giving myself time to breathe. Trying to keep busy and be productive every minute was driving me crazy. My thinking was; that I wasted too much time and I need to catch up. Well, that lead to many disappointments. For goodness sake, I’m only human. My overactive brain didn’t get that memo from God. Lesson learned. Taking care of what I’m facing today is what I need to be focusing on. I cannot change the past and I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring.

Presently, I love to write. I would like to become a writer. I love to talk about God, and I love to encourage people. Also, I like to make people laugh. Telling stories is a passion of mine. Who doesn’t like a good story? Writing is one way of connecting with the world. I want to connect with people. Creativity is a way to escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life. My life is about to get busy. My past posts on this blog show various things I’ve been through in my past. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about the past. I want to present the things I’m doing now. Showing my accomplishments through story telling sounds more appealing and a little more healing. From here on out I will write about my journey in the present mode, not the past. I imagine certain posts will be more boring than others, but please be patient with me as I find my niche in the wonderful world of writing. Laughing is allowed. Liking my posts is allowed…humor me through this transition. I’m looking forward to exercising my creative side. Let the stories begin…

You Are The One To Blame, Not God

What if something bad happens to you? How do you react? Do you blame God for these things? Let’s take a closer look.

Many people feel when bad things happen it is God’s doing. On the contrary, it is not. There is a difference in ‘allowing’ things to continue and ‘causing’ them to happen. James 1:13 says, “When under trial, let no one say: ‘I am being tried by God.’ For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he Himself try anyone. Taking in true knowledge of God shows us why bad things can happen. Sure, unforeseen occurrences befall us all. There are things that are out of our control like; death and sickness. That is part of inheriting sin and death. Even with those two things, God does provide hope. Let’s take a look at the things that we can control.

I believe strongly in choices. Motivation from the heart can be our biggest obstacle in life. I learned God’s name is Jehovah. From my youth, I have always loved Jehovah. Early on I realized that doing the right things in life made me feel good. My mother taught me that God is love, forgiving, and understanding…knowing that we are human. I’m naturally a people pleaser. When I was a child, my parents friend’s had to have gifts from me on their wedding anniversaries, every last one of them. Many times it was something homemade. Better believe I wrapped the present myself, and I was the one to carry it in and hand it to them. My favorite part was watching the smiles on their faces. It brought me joy at such a tender age. The gift of giving was my specialty.

That didn’t change much as I grew older. My mother forewarned me to be careful to whom I give what to, and to watch my association. ‘Bad association spoils useful habits,’ relates the Bible. My mother repeated those words often to me. I was given choices. Sadly, I did not make good ones. No fault but of my own. I began to hang around people that drank too much, used drugs, and had very little morals. With time they had an impact on me. I began to act like them and do the things I was raised NOT to do. Persuading me was an easy task. My desire to belong and have a family and friends blocked all my common sense. I believe it flew out the window. We all know when you lead such a life, bad things can happen. I lost respect for myself. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of. My relationship with God collapsed. My relationship with my children was damaged. It’s better now, but I cannot take back the precious time of their youth. I lost my home and job. Do I believe I’m a bad person? I know I have love. Do I believe God caused these bad things? NOT FOR ONE SECOND! My choice of friends was the cause of a lot of heartache and problems. My refusal to ask God for help because I was so ashamed of myself led me down a path of destruction. It was me that did this. God loves me and wants the best for me…He would NEVER bring these things upon anyone. This is my closer look at the truth…

This may be an extreme situation, but it can pertain even to smaller problems that many people face. I always ask myself, “what other course of action can I take that would have a better outcome?” I’ve learned the hard way. I contemplate my options and how I can uphold a positive future for myself. Bad things still can happen, but when you seek Jehovah the damage can be minimal. Those “bad” things become merely a stepping stone, instead of being thrown out to sea. I’m happy to say my life is much better today. I still have a few things to overcome and work on. But I will get there if…I make the right choice. Please, believe that God does love you and He does not wish anyone to suffer. Examine your life and see where you could have done things differently. When faced with a decision, take God’s word into account. Maybe you will learn something.

I’m not perfect, and I still make mistakes! Trust me, I’m still working on myself and my bad habits! Now, that I recognize my weaknesses and faults…I’m taking steps to correct them. It’s not easy. For bad things to stop happening, I must make changes and better decisions…

To My Dream Reader

Blogging 101

This without a doubt goes out to younger women. At one time I wanted to go back to my youth and do it all over again, with the exception of knowing what I know now. Unfortunately, that is not realistic. So, here I am today.

A woman lowly in heart and one who smiles through pain. Mistakes that have sent me through troublesome times and has overshadowed my kindred heart. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That is not always a good thing. My experiences has made me compassionate and sensitive to others more so than I already was. In the same token, it has altered my perception of the world. Those same experiences also altered my perception of myself. I stand today not a victim of my life choices, but a product of overcoming and surviving the dents that life has embarked upon me. Some by choice, others by circumstances. Understand this; you have a choice. With that choice comes responsibility and consequences of your actions. Make the right choice. Here are few things I have learned that would have saved me from much heartache and pain.

Trust in God and keep your relationship with Him. Know who you are and stand by that. If you don’t know who you are,then you are giving permission for other people to decide for you. You may be persuaded to do things that go against your true self. Do not do that. Find your niche in life and what makes you happy. Don’t rely on someone else or something else to make you happy. Educate yourself and find your footing in what you want to do with your life. Don’t go along with the world’s “idea” of how a woman should act and think. Let God and the Bible do that. Mature and live a little before settling into marriage. If there comes a time when a relationship is sabotaging your relationship with God, family, friends, happiness, or health, get out of it immediately. Love does not bring injury or misery. Believe and love yourself. Never be afraid to seek help. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Choose friends that genuinely care about you. Be a good friend. Once you have found a friend, keep them close. Build on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. If someone hurts you don’t retaliate. Walk away and be done with the situation. Above all, forgive others just like you would like to be forgiven. Throughout life you will run into situations that test your patience. Take a deep breath and focus on something positive. Keep your head up and stay TRUE TO YOURSELF. Just be happy and laugh a lot. Laughter has helped me hold it together when I wanted to give up. Cry when you need to, but laugh your butt off the rest of the time. Don’t take life seriously because it is soever changing. Learn to be flexible and glide with the changes. Last of all, be careful in whom you choose to be your mate in life. A relationship like that either can make you or break you. But, if you know yourself first and stand by that, you’re more than likely going to make a wise choice.

I would hope some of this advice would benefit young women. It, also, could benefit women of all ages. I think people just need love and someone to listen to them. I want to be that person…it’s because I care.

Introducing Myself (Blogging 101)

Hello! My name is Dawn and I’m excited to be a part of this group. I’m looking forward to learning and challenging myself to think outside the box. I enjoy blogging because it allows me to express myself the way I want to. Using this site as a platform for my work has been a wonderful experience. There was a time I was afraid for anyone to read my writing, but I have slowly overcame that. Truthfully, I’m still working on it, but I have improved greatly.

The main reason I signed up for this is to get me in the habit of writing. Instead of looking for a topic, I will be given one. This gives me the opportunity to expand my abilities on various topics. Put a little spice in my life. I will welcome all feedback whether it’s positive or negative. If know one tells me, how will I learn?

Dawn

Strange Eyes Before Me

Another poem I wrote

STRANGE EYES BEFORE ME

Who are these strange eyes before me?
I do not recognize them
I would not speak nor listen
In turbulence I was
Blowing from here to there
No set direction in sight
My head held low
Accepting my plight
Who are these strange eyes before me?
Are they filled with condemnation?
As I wait for redemption
I search at a mere glance
Wanting to know more but couldn’t take the chance
Drawn to him I am
With his gentle touch of my hair
The leap of my heartbeat
Wishing his time to spare
Who are these eyes before me?
It’s the beautiful soul that has seen me
The one that found me
The one that believed in me
These are the eyes of my love, my family

Pull Up Beside Me

This is a poem/song that I wrote from experience. I would love to see this turn into a country song. I was at a red light one day, and I believe someone special pulled up beside me. This is where the story stems from. I wanted it to be light and playful with a few outside experiences with the same person.

PULL UP BESIDE ME

At the light waiting for it to turn
You slowly pull up as I feel this intense burn
Sitting in your car looking so good
Dressed up like you’re in the wrong neighborhood?
Who is this bad boy looking my way?
Hey! It’s YOU…what can I say?
Eyes drifting like there’s something to be found
Bet ya’ getting ready to turn up that sound
Engine revving up like ya’ in a race
Why so quick?
When we’re heading to the same place
Let up on the gas and tap that brake
You got my heart pumpin’ for goodness sake!!

Pull up beside me, baby
Please, don’t tell me maybe
Just pull up beside me

Whatever you do don’t touch that dial
Take out the key and stay with me for a while
Walk up to my car and give me that look
Honey, you just caught me with your hook
Take my hand
Lord knows I’m your biggest fan
Let’s head down the road to where the lights shine
Because there’s no doubt my man is fine
You take my breath away
Whew…as you dance the gigolo way
Let’s carry on into the night
Cuz these fools don’t realize we know how to put up a fight
Thank you for setting me free
The day you pulled up beside me…