UGGHH! My new sweater has a snag in it! It must have been caught on something in the washer. This most likely happened through, what I refer to as, the agitation cycle. I should have put it through the ‘dedicates’ cycle. Now there is thread hanging loose which will eventually unravel the rest of the sweater. I either cut the loose threads off or throw the sweater out. I decided to cut the loose ends off because it will only keep unraveling until the sweater is unwearable. As I was doing this I began to examine my life to see if there was any loose ends that needed to be cut off.

This includes friends, relationships, jobs, thoughts, acquaintances, and frequented places. I’ve worked hard to get to the place where I am now. Surely, no one will unravel everything that I have accomplished. It’s not being mean. Call me what you may, but I need to do what’s best for me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love these people or things. On the contrary, I do and always will. Their time in my life is over. They’ve went down a different path. Their journey is not my journey. That is okay. But I’m not going to continue to be there for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. It’s agitating and thoughtless. Why would I put myself through that cycle? Before you know it I would have loose ends all over the place. Life could start to unravel and become unproductive. No, that’s not going to happen.

The delicate cycle will be my surrounding in the washer of life. People that love me for me. Life needs a balance of giving. I will not continue to give and “put myself out there” for people that cause snags in my life. I’ve done it too many times. This makes me feel lonely. These changes are not easy but they are a must. Genuine concern is hard to come by from people. So, I must be choosy to whom I give my time to. Is this a major revelation that I’ve recently acquired? NOPE. It’s something that I have FELT for a long time. I didn’t want to let go. Relationships with people is something that I hold close to my heart, even when the likeness is not returned. For some reason I didn’t want to give up because I thought something would change. Little did I realize is these people were this way all along. They think of themselves…and think of me when it’s convenient for them. That’s not being delicate. That’s agitation for me! It makes me cry. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. This is where I cut the loose ends.

It may hurt. It may be scary. It may even feel lonely. But no loose threads on my sweater of life. I like to preserve the things I have. If that means I must cut those people off from my life…then I must. Does someone have a sturdy pair of scissors? Never mind…I have a pair sitting right here.


Sometimes I Can’t Pretend Anymore

Sometimes when I begin to write I want to pretend my life is normal. I go to a 9-5 job and come home to a family. Cooking dinners and baking cookies would be the “norm.” That is not the life I live. Camping, bonfires, and vacations with the family is what I want to write about. The only normal thing I do is the 9-5 job, in my case it’s 8:30-5. Writing is a way for me to face the realities I’m burden with. Throughout the day at work I pretend nothing bad has happened to me, no past. I’m like a new person…reborn. My fear is someone will remember me from a couple years ago, the old Dawn. Thankfully, not many people know me. Why can’t my life be like others? I feel partly it’s because of my decisions I’ve made, and partly the decisions others have made. To decorate my walls with pictures of family outings would be a dream come true. Family night, movies, board games, and great conversations would be at the top of my to-do list. Isn’t that a wonderful thought? I can’t imagine anything like that…

No. That would be too simple for me. I carry untold stories within me. They are a burden to carry. I set that burden free through writing. My stories need to be told, not only to help me but to help other people. My lessons in life has shaped the person I am today. I shouldn’t complain…I could be worse. Adjusting to the fact that I’ve not always lead the life I’ve dreamed of has been a constant battle with myself. My abnormal experiences and life changes is my gift to share with the world. It’s just the way it is. Fighting it is only prolonging the inevitable. That is being truthful with myself. I can tell the truth to other people, but lie to myself. Sweep things underneath the rug and pretend they didn’t happen. Actually, I’m pretty good at doing that. The pain goes away. Imagining my life is different has carried me this far. But, it won’t carry me all the way through. We, the not norm people, have a duty to help the few that have been wounded on their journey. That is how I give back…the belief in God and His power. The belief and testimony to never be a victim but instead be a survivor. And that’s what I try to do! There comes a time when you can no longer pretend. I can’t pretend that I’m perfectly fine all the time. I can’t pretend that nothing hurts me because it does. I can’t pretend my life is in such order that a hurricane can’t put a wrinkle in it. I can’t pretend I don’t feel down when I do. Those are some of the stories that need to be told. People can relate to those tales. That’s who I am today. The giggly, strange, not-so-normal girl.

I hope that God sends me my love. I would like to be married. Hmmm…marriage is normal! 🙂

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