A Change Has Occurred In Me

I’m compelled to start writing again because I’m changing. Imagine holding on to old thinking and ideas that get you no where. That was my case. The only thing that came out of that was loneliness, frustration, fear, boredom, and ANXIETY. Not to mention poor choices when it came to relationships, friendships, jobs, spare time, and recreation. That all played a hand in why I ended up where I am today. I’ve lost many things…but I have found myself. That’s the most precious commodity known to me. Only if I understood this years ago. Of course, that means the past. And I don’t live there anymore. Here is my truth;

It started a few days ago when I made a decision. Mind you, this decision would have been easily made by most people. Not me. My whole view on everything was backwards!  I had to figure everything out right now. No if’s and but’s about it. Organize, organize, and organize more. Get up, get up, no breathing, work two jobs, pick the first job that came along (who cares, right?), set goal after goal, school, finish off the list of 13 duties I so hurriedly gave myself the night before, and make sure all this is accomplished by 5 pm today! I was productive. I just love that word… not. My productivity and God’s productivity was completely different. Education nor my job define me. If that is what you believe, then your a lost soul like I was.

My mother said, “be loyal in small things and you will, eventually, be loyal to bigger things.” The bigger things she was referring to was God and spirituality. Change doesn’t happen over night. It takes constant effort. Meditation. Fortunately, some of the attributes I have will help with a smooth transition to this change. Jehovah God is a comforter. Focus? Yep, on the right things this time. I bet you are wondering about that decision I talked about earlier?

Here it is; I work at a factory. It’s not my cup of tea. But, it was a job. I’ve been offered another job. My backward thinking “thought” I can do both jobs. Why not? I need money, not my sanity, just money to get me back on my feet. The second job pays a little less but it’s more enjoyable. Both jobs will keep me busy. Then I can rush into a similar predicament I was in before mentally and spiritually…. The change in me says, “no, that is not the answer.” What job is more enjoyable? Second one. That’s the job I choose. Keep the factory job, whispers my thinking. No. It’s too much for me. I’m unhappy with it. I will take the second one. Life is short. Why would I want to be unhappy going to a place for 40 hours a week? Because it pays more? I don’t care about that anymore. God will provide for me.

The old thinking Dawn would have continued miserably to hold both jobs, hurried to get everything done and figured out. God forbid don’t give myself time to think. No. I say that word quite a bit on this page because that word will be a part of my vocabulary to situations for people that don’t respect me. I don’t deserved to be disrespected. Likewise, I don’t disrespect people. Is it scary to make a confirmed decision to quit a ‘for sure job’? Nope. It’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world. What if this job don’t work out? Like a waitress, having a large tray carrying all the food to the table while she lifts it up high over her head so not to hit or drop anything on anyone, I have my problems on a large tray lifting it high over my head handing to God. Here you go Father, I’m tired. I walk away with complete peace. What shall I do now. Be patient, walk away, and…maybe go for a drive to southern Ohio and meditate on the beauty of the landscaping. Or maybe I will go to a museum. Or maybe for a walk for some fresh air. I let the stress go, give it to God, and enjoy the life I was given. Having peace makes me happy. I can finally feel joy…and make decisions based on what I like and want. My change is grand because it’s not outwardly but one that is inside me…as time passes I hope to see more benefits from this new thinking as I embrace this new feeling. I want to look at life through a clean lens…change your thinking and you change your life.