Take A Walk With Me Down Memory Lane

It was the year 2000. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first six months. We were going to be a family because I loved him and I thought he loved me, too.  He laid beside me and heard those cries and didn’t do a THING. Nothing. He wasn’t the nicest person to my children. Wasn’t exactly mean but didn’t acknowledge their presence. Utter shock and heartbreak curled up in me like a tight wad. What was I to do? I had no education and no job of my own. I thought in time he would get “use” to my kids being around. He asked me if my ex husband can take them more often…I gave him shared parenting. Half time with me, half time with him. I almost didn’t. But, I would have been on the street with two young children.  I reasoned “the father has as much right as the mother.” That is true but it didn’t feel right. I struggled in the beginning with it…hence my crying all the time. I missed them.

Over time I learned not to be around them every single day…if that was possible. I didn’t go more than three days without them but they were soooo young. Those three days killed me. When they came home it was a cold atmosphere with him. I reasoned he’s not abusive and that’s better than these abusive men out there. I WAS AN IDIOT!!! I was bound and determined to be a family. My kids were not going to see me on the street or go from man to man. I was not raised that way. Going with their dad made them happy…so I learned to be sorta content with it. My oldest hated me and my youngest didn’t know better. She became bitter. Years passed

Dear Jacilynn,

So many times I thought about leaving him. Twice I did…with you. But, after all that time we were a family. It was our home. Not until today do I realize I had choices. I could have provided a roof over our heads. I could have found my own job. I was scared of being on the street and being homeless. I reasoned that this was the best I can do while I live with the guilt and depression. Drinking made things go away…and I tried not to have you or Alexis suffer. I thought my love for him would change things. I tried on and off for the last couple years to make things better for us to be a family. When it failed, I retreated into depression. I am here to say I was wrong. I should have left and fought to do everything in my power to ensure you had a better life. You see here…I thought that was the best thing to do at the time. Years later when the partying came into play I was tired and out of answers by then. I am sorry. This is just the tip of the iceberg of memory lane. The only hope I have for you is to remember the good times and forgive the bad.

I Love You

MOM

My Current Situation

My current situation never looked so bleak. But, somehow I feel better than any time before now. I royally screwed up last year and I’m almost glad I did. I’ve lived in a fairy tale the last few years and the story needed to end. Come to find out there is no knight in shining armor. Not that I want one anymore. I am glad I’ve came to this point. Does it sound bizarre? Not to me.

Beyond the fairy tale is much more. It’s not just the knight that I struggled with, but everything I believed in. All the lessons I professed to have learned, I didn’t learn-until now. Fear had me by the ankles and it did it’s best to trip me up. I skinned up my integrity and fell back into the shadow of darkness…or was I never in the light to begin with? I think I was sitting in the shade. While I was resting there I didn’t fully see my potential because, well, there wasn’t enough light in my life. The challenges of letting go of the shade I had lodged myself in is demanding me to re-learn to question myself and to love myself.

I am not going to bull doze myself or anyone else. Bull dozing is for construction workers and that is not how I make my living. Through this chapter in my life I have realized want I want, who I love, what I want to be, who I want to be in my life, and how to go about getting those things. I have broke through more internal progress in the last six months than my whole life. Although, this is the second time I found myself at the bottom; it doesn’t mean I will take the same ladder up. I always thought the key to change is in your thinking, but I believe that it’s in your soul that controls the way you feel. People come and go in my life and I don’t care anymore. For me to say that is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome and, yet, I have. I don’t flinch at my adversaries, I walk around them. I’m not in a boxing match nor am I learning to walk. I am lover who joyfully skips…