I tried to master the wind
I commanded her for my direction
And my indiscretion
My efforts were futile
Now I know she’s meant to be free
She has her own agenda
She carries my dreams
And gives it to the sun
Sometimes to the moon
I suppose I will leave her to nature
where she belongs
And allow myself to drift and see where she takes me
If she leaves, I will go there
If she comes, I will stay here
How do I let you go? It appears I cannot! I feel insane when I think of you. One moment I am laughing in hysterics and in the next…I am crying. Better yet, I am bitter but cannot bring myself to scream at you. I don’t have a right to give you the fifth degree. Would it do any good? Not for me because I want to see you smile. I, surely, don’t want to be the cause of any sadness or discomfort. I carry you with me everyday.
From the time I open my eyes and crawl out of bed I envision you standing in the doorway with a cup of coffee. I carry you in my heart. I carry you in my fingertips when I write. My thoughts always drift back to you when I am listening to someone else talk. Music reminds me of your voice and the way you speak to me…all in collaboration and with the melody flowing like honey. Your unpredictable touch gliding across my back sends shivers of hope to my heart. I carry you on top of my feet as I take each step on this journey. I carry you in my mind where your name shall be forever engraved. I carry the wish…that you felt the same.
It doesn’t work that way. I knew I would never see the day you bring me coffee…with two creamers. Mocha or French Vanilla would have been good…while I was sleeping. A girl gets tired of making her own coffee.
I love my people. I promise I will never leave my friends. I don’t care what they do or say, I will have their back. I will not leave them and I will remember the important highlights in their life. They will never feel lost, unwanted, or unloved. I will not leave them.
I’m running through a thick wooded forest. A group of 13 men are after me. My legs are trembling and giving out to the earth beneath me. The trees are spinning and ferociously trying to grab me with their arms. I cannot go any farther. I grab a tree stump that has been cut down for firewood to only weaken me as I try to stand up. I collapse. Looking over my shoulder I see an opening to what appears to be an open field. My gut extinct says not to weary that way, but there is no other option. If I go to the open I will be a target with no defense. I look around and see no alternative. My mind races back to what I was taught as a child. My breath is filling up like a balloon and slowly being squeezed out.
This is my last stance and I am fed up. I bend on one knee and look to the heavens above and silently express my love and gratitude for everything I have. The men are in the background. Their feet crushing the leaves like a hound dog tracking a criminal. Why am I the criminal when they’re doing wrong? Doesn’t matter. In a dead run I sprint for the opening. Making it time…I thought. Running right into the circle I stop dead on. There is no other path leading elsewhere. I see no entrance point. My mind relaxes, hands drop down, my head leans forward, and I inhale defeat and exhale freedom. I, once again, bend on one knee to show my honor and giggle for the relief.
As I am doing this last respect I hear a rumbling. My hair on my body stands to attention. My heart throbbing, I look behind me. The men seeking my soul is coming from the south. I look to the north and a pack of Clydesdale and Mustang horses are coming my way. Their encompassing me from two directions. My instinct is to bail. Someone whispers, “stand still.” Tears are dripping down my face and my muscles in my body are seeking refuge. I feel drunk and my stomach wants to regurgitate everything I ate. My lips are twitching while I watch the 30 plus horses ravage towards me. They are coming directly in my line. I will be trampled! I turn to run and someone’s arms wrap around me to keep me still. The horses are upon me. They split up between me running full force and circling me. One, two, three, four, five, and the sixth horse speeding by me, a mustang, stops and someone throws me up on him. No saddle, I grab his mane and he takes the lead with me on him. We are heading towards the brink of the open field.
My escape is at hand! Jah!!!! Suddenly the pact of horses with me in the lead changes direction without my control. I’m not in control…but I know who is. I don’t understand! We are heading towards the men who are in the field that was seeking to hurt me! I’m heading right to them! They see me on the lead horse and the Clydesdale’s in full speed coming towards them. Half of them run and the other half is stunned and unable to move. My horse charges forward. The leader of them met my eyes with fear. I feel something on my back as I hold on at 50 mph. I reach up behind my back and feel a cold metal object. Someone tightened my finders around it and I fearfully pulled it upward. It’s a sword! I knew that instant. I point it upward and cry out, “let your will be done.”I point my sword to the ungodly men and I am in battle…throw me to the pack and watch Jah have me come back leading them…
Sometimes I win some…sometimes I lose some. As long as I have you Jah I’m always up. Let’s weed them out. I stand by me.
“It’s just a title,” was an answer from a young girl I was speaking with regarding marriage. What? My heart sank with those words. I was explaining to her my 18 year old was moving back here from North Carolina and I mentioned she was married. Her reaction took me off guard. Her body language and facial expression exhibited her…vexation on the matter.
She went on to explain the ways that befit her lifestyle. None of it made a lick of sense. All I heard was ‘it’s a title’ and…nothing else. She asked me if I approved of that with sarcasm. My answer was, “yep.” It’s more than a title. It’s obeying what God instituted. He was the originator of marriage. Frankly, I have lived some of my life without regard of what God has commanded. It didn’t turn out so well. Why not try doing His way? Of course, the youth of today are separated from their creator because they have been filled with “anything goes.” You are allowed to do whatever you want and its okay. I’m here to tell you it’s not okay. There is a reason He tells you to listen to His voice.
What happens when you have sex without being in a loving, committed, and united marriage? Unwanted pregnancy, where the child suffers because mom and dad are not in the home. Statistics prove a child is more well rounded with both parents being in the home. Diseases being spread? That speaks for itself. Emotional trauma, especially in females, because sex IS personal and IS meant to be shared within love and have a sense of connection with it. Females get the raw end of the deal because they have sex for different reasons than males. But, males are not off the hook. God commands them to be with one…a wife. No excuses. The pleasure of a few moments IS not worth the paramount of trouble that may come after it.
The girl in the beginning of this story has a baby. She is now “seeing” someone and the baby stays with the grandparents most of the time. She claims she is working all the time. Hmm? She runs around like the teenager that she is. I can see it bothers her. She appears to be happy because of her new love. They go drinking and play video games. I never said anything until we were having this conversation. And I didn’t pry too deep but I threw a question at her.
“Wouldn’t have been easier to have had your daughter a little later on in life when you found the man you are suppose to be with? When you both were committed and united as one.” She looked at me with her stern eyes and walked away. The stress of dealing with the hated father is overwhelming and causes problems…everyday problems. Wouldn’t have been better for everyone if they simply would have waited.
God does NOT withhold love and pleasure from us. He commands us to do it in the proper situation. He says it out of love.
People may say ‘how dare you judge?’ I am not judging. I am a WITNESS to this because I have done these things and produced a child out of wedlock as a teenager. I wanted to reason with this girl and allow her to see another perspective. Hoping it will deter her from making unnecessary mistakes. The baby is NOT a mistake. The mistake was not considering all sides of one’s actions. Hence, why people live and learn. My goal is to pass what I’ve been through and learned onto the next person. In the end, everyone has to make their own decision.
I believe when your heart fills with pain it sends a message to the mind for help. The mind in returns desperately seeks an answer. While your heart lays dormant struggling with the pain, the mind is actively doing whatever it takes to ease the burden on the heart. The mind does this and that but with no results. Its blinded by hopelessness and will cause a person to act stupid. To do things they wouldn’t normally do just to give the heart some relief. These people are not bad by nature…they are looking to the mind for comfort. To tell them why this is happening. In return, the mind acts out because there is no answer…not a reasonable answer anyways.
I believe this is the situation in many cases.
Why can’t it be me to host the party for our friends? Why can’t I post a picture of us being silly sticking out our tongues antagonizing our fiends in a game of serenades? I want to see the buffet of party snacks lined up on the counter. I don’t mind cleaning up the mess. Why not me you bend over to kiss? Why not me to have my Jaci and Alexis over to play euchre? Why not me to embrace a supplemental gesture of affection or nice words? Why can’t it be me that you look forward to seeing? Why can’t it be me to feel your love? Am I so unworthy? AM I THE MOST WORTHLESS PERSON THAT YOU CANT EVEN BE NICE TO YOU?
Why can’t it be my hands that hold you? Why can’t it be me that you plan your next vacation with? Why can’t I be loved? Why can’t you hold me? I want the stupid crap. Call me crazy but I like snuggling up underneath the covers.
The little girl in me wishes to go outside, jump in the mud, and feel the sunshine on her face. She wants to make a mud pie and throw it at her big sister for telling on her. The big bad sister claims the little girl took her favorite cabbage patch doll and stuck her up in their colossal oak tree in the backyard. The little girl in me is annoyed by such accusations because she would never… Momma loves her flowers, so today she picked her a dozen dandelions. They had exceptionally long stems so they can fit in the coffee cup-like vase she made for her in school. Her pink huffy bike has been cleaned and polished and ready for take off. Her free-hand riding style is her favorite. She spreads her arms like an Eagle and embraces the wind tangling her long red hair. Anderson park is straight ahead. Flying off her bike in a single leap she runs toward the swings, leaving the bike in the dust. The summer sunset is breath taking, but little does she appreciate its true beauty it offers…not yet, anyhow. Darkness is peeking through the clouds and its time to head home. “One more for the road” she whispers and she gives a powerful push and the swing, with her on it, flies up to the mid sky. At the highest point of that last swing the little girl pulls off the bravest act off all. She lets go of the chain link rope holding her onto the seat and jumps. Afraid the whole time but…she lands on her feet…
It’s funny how men, in their own trivial thought process, like who I am. They think I’m cool and easy to get along with. Some claim I am hilarious. But, I think it’s funny how I am good enough for them in many ways except a loving, kind, and exclusive relationship. No one wants to be with me. Don’t get me wrong! when they need advice, a shoulder to cry on, or want to be encouraged; they will stream along in one way or another. I feel no hate in my heart. Not even mad. Wish them the best, actually. Why try to make contact with me? It’s not a good self esteem builder.
I had a few like me, for the wrong reasons. They had an interest because I don’t make a fuss over things. I care for people. Nope, they didn’t like me for who I am…they didn’t see me…