I Almost Died

My journey is unknown. I am not sure where it will lead. My hopes are enlightenment and loving oneself. Leading back to God. My conscious is being refined and these memories are beginning to spur from my mouth.

Let me explain; I am letting go of pain. I am in counseling to help me express myself and to let these things go. My first day was yesterday. My counselor asked me if I ever came close to dying. I could only think of one time. It was 2011 and I fell off a 20 foot balcony because I was drunk. Through the whole ordeal I wouldn’t discuss it. When I was in the hospital I was scared out of my mind. Flashbacks of fear and free falling tormented me while I laid there in a hospital bed. This all happened because I still loved him and I wanted to go home. I try to live on my own but I felt lost. I cried everyday. I sat in that stupid apartment drinking so the pain would go away and I could sleep. Well, that didn’t go as planned.

When I returned home I joked about it. Went to work in pain just to pretend it didn’t happen. Getting back into a routine was the key for it all to go away.  The doctors told me I should be glad I am alive. My mind refused to accept anything. I kept telling myself I was okay. I’ve talked about the accident on rare occasion while drinking. Hey! It’s easier that way. Then it hit me yesterday. I talked about it in front of a group of strangers. I was completely sober and the feeling was indescribable.  It wasn’t a joke. I relived that day all over again. Everything went silent as if no one was in the room. My mind raced through the course of the day of the accident. What lead me to drink are the same reasons I continued to drink…love, homesick, extreme loneliness, low self-esteem, and rejection. My soul was sick. My soul was tired. But, I pretended I was okay. After I “returned” to the room, everyone was silent. The counselor said, “wow.” I came home and cried for the innocent girl that was lost. Unaware, I became a little agitated for the rest of the day. I’m not sure why. Maybe because the thought of being dead and not seeing that life is good? Or maybe a big hug from someone who loves me could have helped me release that memory to the wind after I let it out…

None the less, I let it go. A unique sensation came over me and I’m not sure what it was. Hopefully, I will come to understand what it was. First, I must keep talking…I think.

 

 

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