Everything appears to be hard. I am feeling a certain way. I wonder if my life will ever be meaningful. I am suffering the consequences of my actions. It feels like a grave. I’m tired of messing things up. It’s exhausting. Feeling stuck and everything is at a stand still. Motionless. Being productive and accomplishing something positive out of this mess feels like a dream. My gut hurts. Trying to fix myself and get right with God is a battle. Not that I don’t love Him or not that He doesn’t love me. We love each other. I guess I am scared. Scared of being alone, not getting right, being able to support myself, or getting past my stupid thinking. I am scared of being wrong. Wrong about everything that has happened in my life. I want to be careful in what I do. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and act like I’m all good. I want to BE BETTER than I was yesterday. I want to praise God but at the same time I need to be acting in accordance. I am NOT a bad person, I have trials to overcome…probably for the rest of my life. If somehow I could catch a break. If somehow I can show my family, my employer, and my friends that I have what it takes. God already knows that. If somehow I can find my niche. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, “WHAT DO I DO NEXT???” I’m at a dead end!
You just know. Something deep down inside you drags those emotions to the surface and WOLLA!…you know what you’re supposed to do. One phone call made the difference for me. I knew I wanted to turn my life around for the better. To give back. To make a difference. Today, I know my worth. My experiences, mistakes, losses, and wins will not walk around in vain. People need to see life is good. My heart is burdened with the darkness people carry inside themselves when there is light to be seen. I’ve tasted the stale death-like feelings that only the devil dishes out. I pray for discernment in this matter.
First, let me grow strong in leaps and bounds! Second, let my happiness capture my essence. If I am wrong then let me be wrong for the right reasons.
I know my truth. My advice to anyone is to know their’s, also. Some of it is awful. Have I done things I am ashamed of? YEP. Have I spoken the wrong words at the right time? Yep. Have I lost my temper? Oh yes! Has my mannerisms been a tad short of ladylike? Most definitely. Have I done things under the influence I would’ve never done otherwise? Every regrettable transgression. Have I acted out insanely? Mark that one down in the books too. Have I been out of control? Put an x in that box. Have I hurt other people? Over and beyond. I wish people would tell me something I don’t know. Am I overly emotional and have problems in that area? Sure do. I, also, know the extent of ALL these things I’ve done. Some people believe I did MORE than I did. Some people believe I’ve done LESS than that. Am I impatient? That’s a give me.
And then there is my other truth. The love I have for people. The compassion and understanding for people who are hurting. I love to see people smile, laugh, and succeed. My heart reaches out to the underdog. I believe in truth and justice. I believe in God with my whole heart. I know He loves the world. I stand accountable for the things I do and say. I’ve been humbled. I know memories are more important than material possessions. I strive for a peaceful life. My value on human life stretches to the heavens. It feels extraordinary helping others. I want to inspire. I know everyone can have a bad side. I know my bad side and I know what CAUSES it. I seek beauty and creativity from the world. I look for the good in others and not the bad. I try to be kind. I love deeply and believe everyone is special and equal. I cry for others.
This is ALL of me…and I own these bitches. These are my truths…and mine alone.
I wake up to another day granted to me. I’m allowed to create this day accordingly. It can be a good one or a great one. Either way it’s mine to do with what I want. Mornings are my best time, a new start. Feeling refreshed and optimistic. Still, in certain ways there is a fog of sadness that hovers over me. I can’t seem to shake it. Sometimes it drifts through me and vanishes through the course of my day. Other times it waits for me. But I think the fog is my connection to something. I’m not clear on what it is. My wish is for it to lift and carry on somewhere else. It won’t be gone until it has taught me…something. My mind says to take it in strides, and my heart is arguing with me considerably. The optimistically tortured side of me yearns to see the upside to all of this…
It was then I took a step back
With the walls enclosed
Pulling the shade for her bareness to be exposed
To the core I journeyed
Followed by faded memories
And feelings aflow
Her insatiable appetite tugging me in
Gently caressing her heart to be born again
Prodding the mind to follow the course
Believing, persisting the compelling force
It was then I took a step back
Grasping ole’ fallible ways were a test
Stoning these bargaining demons
…and putting them to rest
Memories carry my love
Lessons are my strength
Instill in me wisdom
Forge my branches to spread
To reach their minds
Let my roots secure their hearts
Wrapping compassion around the ventricle
Squeezing life throughout their veins
For when they fall
They will stand back up
A tower of fortitude they will become
My tears drip your name
From day one
I’ve not been the same
Oh! My phantom!
Why can’t you see?
I love thee
My thoughts of you cascading
Ripping into my blood
I lick my lips with desire
I touch myself with your fire
Tell me now
Tell me forever
My Love…is sacrosanct.
Love is You…
Love is looking at someone with unspoken words and still have understanding
Love is the passage between two souls…
I Carry You Everywhere
I carry you in my heart
In my fingertips with each written word
My thoughts drift back to you
Their words are distant
Alluding like they know me
Like they know you
Music reminds me of your voice
All in collaboration
With the melody flowing like honey
Your touch gliding across my shoulders
Making their way to my breasts
And shivers of hope to my heart