Why Not Me

Why can’t it be me to host the party for our friends? Why can’t I post a picture of us being silly sticking out our tongues antagonizing our fiends in a game of serenades? I want to see the buffet of party snacks lined up on the counter. I don’t mind cleaning up the mess. Why not me you bend over to kiss? Why not me to have my Jaci and Alexis over to play euchre? Why not me to embrace a supplemental gesture of affection or nice words? Why can’t it be me that you look forward to seeing? Why can’t it be me to feel your love? Am I so unworthy? AM I THE MOST WORTHLESS PERSON THAT YOU CANT EVEN BE NICE TO YOU?

Why can’t it be my hands that hold you? Why can’t it be me that you plan your next vacation with? Why can’t I be loved? Why can’t you hold me? I want the stupid crap. Call me crazy but I like snuggling up underneath the covers.

The Little Girl In Me

The little girl in me wishes to go outside, jump in the mud, and feel the sunshine on her face. She wants to make a mud pie and throw it at her big sister for telling on her. The big bad sister claims the little girl took her favorite cabbage patch doll and stuck her up in their colossal oak tree in the backyard. The little girl in me is annoyed by such accusations because she would never… Momma loves her flowers, so today she picked her a dozen dandelions. They had exceptionally long stems so they can fit in the coffee cup-like vase she made for her in school. Her pink huffy bike has been cleaned and polished and ready for take off. Her free-hand riding style is her favorite. She spreads her arms like an Eagle and embraces the wind tangling her long red hair. Anderson park is straight ahead. Flying off her bike in a single leap she runs toward the swings, leaving the bike in the dust. The summer sunset is breath taking, but little does she appreciate its true beauty it offers…not yet, anyhow. Darkness is peeking through the clouds and its time to head home. “One more for the road” she whispers and she gives a powerful push and the swing, with her on it, flies up to the mid sky. At the highest point of that last swing the little girl pulls off the bravest act off all. She lets go of the chain link rope holding her onto the seat and jumps. Afraid the whole time but…she lands on her feet…

 

It’s Funny How…

It’s funny how men, in their own trivial thought process, like who I am. They think I’m cool and easy to get along with. Some claim I am hilarious.  But, I think it’s funny how I am good enough for them in many ways except a loving, kind, and exclusive relationship. No one wants to be with me. Don’t get me wrong! when they need advice, a shoulder to cry on, or want to be encouraged; they will stream along in one way or another. I feel no hate in my heart. Not even mad. Wish them the best, actually. Why try to make contact with me? It’s not a good self esteem builder.

I had a few like me, for the wrong reasons. They had an interest because I don’t make a fuss over things. I care for people. Nope, they didn’t like me for who I am…they didn’t see me…

Take A Walk With Me Down Memory Lane

It was the year 2000. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first six months. We were going to be a family because I loved him and I thought he loved me, too.  He laid beside me and heard those cries and didn’t do a THING. Nothing. He wasn’t the nicest person to my children. Wasn’t exactly mean but didn’t acknowledge their presence. Utter shock and heartbreak curled up in me like a tight wad. What was I to do? I had no education and no job of my own. I thought in time he would get “use” to my kids being around. He asked me if my ex husband can take them more often…I gave him shared parenting. Half time with me, half time with him. I almost didn’t. But, I would have been on the street with two young children.  I reasoned “the father has as much right as the mother.” That is true but it didn’t feel right. I struggled in the beginning with it…hence my crying all the time. I missed them.

Over time I learned not to be around them every single day…if that was possible. I didn’t go more than three days without them but they were soooo young. Those three days killed me. When they came home it was a cold atmosphere with him. I reasoned he’s not abusive and that’s better than these abusive men out there. I WAS AN IDIOT!!! I was bound and determined to be a family. My kids were not going to see me on the street or go from man to man. I was not raised that way. Going with their dad made them happy…so I learned to be sorta content with it. My oldest hated me and my youngest didn’t know better. She became bitter. Years passed

Dear Jacilynn,

So many times I thought about leaving him. Twice I did…with you. But, after all that time we were a family. It was our home. Not until today do I realize I had choices. I could have provided a roof over our heads. I could have found my own job. I was scared of being on the street and being homeless. I reasoned that this was the best I can do while I live with the guilt and depression. Drinking made things go away…and I tried not to have you or Alexis suffer. I thought my love for him would change things. I tried on and off for the last couple years to make things better for us to be a family. When it failed, I retreated into depression. I am here to say I was wrong. I should have left and fought to do everything in my power to ensure you had a better life. You see here…I thought that was the best thing to do at the time. Years later when the partying came into play I was tired and out of answers by then. I am sorry. This is just the tip of the iceberg of memory lane. The only hope I have for you is to remember the good times and forgive the bad.

I Love You

MOM

My Current Situation

My current situation never looked so bleak. But, somehow I feel better than any time before now. I royally screwed up last year and I’m almost glad I did. I’ve lived in a fairy tale the last few years and the story needed to end. Come to find out there is no knight in shining armor. Not that I want one anymore. I am glad I’ve came to this point. Does it sound bizarre? Not to me.

Beyond the fairy tale is much more. It’s not just the knight that I struggled with, but everything I believed in. All the lessons I professed to have learned, I didn’t learn-until now. Fear had me by the ankles and it did it’s best to trip me up. I skinned up my integrity and fell back into the shadow of darkness…or was I never in the light to begin with? I think I was sitting in the shade. While I was resting there I didn’t fully see my potential because, well, there wasn’t enough light in my life. The challenges of letting go of the shade I had lodged myself in is demanding me to re-learn to question myself and to love myself.

I am not going to bull doze myself or anyone else. Bull dozing is for construction workers and that is not how I make my living. Through this chapter in my life I have realized want I want, who I love, what I want to be, who I want to be in my life, and how to go about getting those things. I have broke through more internal progress in the last six months than my whole life. Although, this is the second time I found myself at the bottom; it doesn’t mean I will take the same ladder up. I always thought the key to change is in your thinking, but I believe that it’s in your soul that controls the way you feel. People come and go in my life and I don’t care anymore. For me to say that is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome and, yet, I have. I don’t flinch at my adversaries, I walk around them. I’m not in a boxing match nor am I learning to walk. I am lover who joyfully skips…

Wish I Would’ve Known More

Wish I Would’ve Known More

 

Walking home in ignorant bliss

Each step echoing my merriment

His touch awakening my senses

Subdued by his gracious gift

His love thrusts pulsing through me

No greater one for me, than he

A man embodiment of compassion by nature

Filling in the spaces with his smile

Holding me, pulling my world into his

Fondling me in the depths of my darkness

Recovering my place to the light

Whispers in my ear of soothing music

Never second guessing this love

 

Wished I would’ve known more

Wished I knew I was on borrowed time

Wished the truth been spoken then

I would’ve ran back to him in that moment

Offer my complete self to his every want

It was over before it began

How could this be?

Left naked for all to see

I soared into deception?

My weakness cradled my fears

As my bones cried out through my tears

 

Let me trip over my heart no longer

Carry what I’ve learned

Allow my faith to grow stronger

Bring no pain to my fellow man

Forgive me, forgive him, and forgive the whole plan

Send out the message

I will not lay down in destitute

This will put my love to the test

For in my heart your memory will rest

Let this be the end on my part

 

 

Who Can Measure

Science has achieved an impressive undertaking in the flow,

The advancement in medicine is quite the show,

But who can measure up to you, my Lord,

They cry out, “look what we have done!”

Remember! I am the One whom granted you the means to do so, my son,

I created you with intelligence,

Do you think that was a mere coincidence?

You duplicate the creatures in the heavens and earth,

But I alone! was the One who gave them birth,

I call the stars by name,

While you sit in your lifeless labs and collect all the fame,

I formed your beating heart with the tiniest fraction of my own power,

And set my beauty within the flower,

I blew the breath of life into your lungs,

And sent my son to forgive your wrongs,

Your inconceivable Big Bang theory doesn’t make sense,

And you continue to scatter this profound scheme based on a false pretense,

Your stubborn, willful, disdain feelings for me say I don’t exist,

Despite the overwhelming evidence you persist,

By all means! I formed you from dirt,

And I am the master in relinquishing internal hurt,

Come off your lofty thinking,

Humble yourselves to avoid sinking,

Dear children, listen to my voice,

For one day you will have to make a choice

Turning Point

Somewhere when the wind died down I came to realize,

Conceptions fall away and reality began to materialize,

When life appears somber,

The numbness seeps through my pores,

And the letdown is undeniably painful,

With my past leaving me unstable,

A light dims through,

Gradually my eyes pivot along this unfamiliar corridor,

I cry out, “hello? hello?

Who is there? Please make yourself known?

I’m coming! Don’t leave!

Grasping and feeling my way through the dark,

I perceive the light ahead will be my start,

Alas, what am I do to do now?

I collapse to the ground in grief,

With tears pouring down my face,

In anguish I pray for relief,

I beckon myself to get up…GET UP!

Who will be there to greet me?

I pick up my pace with determination,

The light is becoming more apparent,

I beg humbly to gaze upon the face of the one shining the light,

I cannot be wrong…this must be right,

Bless the benevolent soul for showing me the way,

I’ve come to my finish. I have arrived!

My heart pounds in expectation,

I open the door, step in, and raise my head,

…only to see a mirror with my own reflection…

 

A Change Has Occurred In Me

I’m compelled to start writing again because I’m changing. Imagine holding on to old thinking and ideas that get you no where. That was my case. The only thing that came out of that was loneliness, frustration, fear, boredom, and ANXIETY. Not to mention poor choices when it came to relationships, friendships, jobs, spare time, and recreation. That all played a hand in why I ended up where I am today. I’ve lost many things…but I have found myself. That’s the most precious commodity known to me. Only if I understood this years ago. Of course, that means the past. And I don’t live there anymore. Here is my truth;

It started a few days ago when I made a decision. Mind you, this decision would have been easily made by most people. Not me. My whole view on everything was backwards!  I had to figure everything out right now. No if’s and but’s about it. Organize, organize, and organize more. Get up, get up, no breathing, work two jobs, pick the first job that came along (who cares, right?), set goal after goal, school, finish off the list of 13 duties I so hurriedly gave myself the night before, and make sure all this is accomplished by 5 pm today! I was productive. I just love that word… not. My productivity and God’s productivity was completely different. Education nor my job define me. If that is what you believe, then your a lost soul like I was.

My mother said, “be loyal in small things and you will, eventually, be loyal to bigger things.” The bigger things she was referring to was God and spirituality. Change doesn’t happen over night. It takes constant effort. Meditation. Fortunately, some of the attributes I have will help with a smooth transition to this change. Jehovah God is a comforter. Focus? Yep, on the right things this time. I bet you are wondering about that decision I talked about earlier?

Here it is; I work at a factory. It’s not my cup of tea. But, it was a job. I’ve been offered another job. My backward thinking “thought” I can do both jobs. Why not? I need money, not my sanity, just money to get me back on my feet. The second job pays a little less but it’s more enjoyable. Both jobs will keep me busy. Then I can rush into a similar predicament I was in before mentally and spiritually…. The change in me says, “no, that is not the answer.” What job is more enjoyable? Second one. That’s the job I choose. Keep the factory job, whispers my thinking. No. It’s too much for me. I’m unhappy with it. I will take the second one. Life is short. Why would I want to be unhappy going to a place for 40 hours a week? Because it pays more? I don’t care about that anymore. God will provide for me.

The old thinking Dawn would have continued miserably to hold both jobs, hurried to get everything done and figured out. God forbid don’t give myself time to think. No. I say that word quite a bit on this page because that word will be a part of my vocabulary to situations for people that don’t respect me. I don’t deserved to be disrespected. Likewise, I don’t disrespect people. Is it scary to make a confirmed decision to quit a ‘for sure job’? Nope. It’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world. What if this job don’t work out? Like a waitress, having a large tray carrying all the food to the table while she lifts it up high over her head so not to hit or drop anything on anyone, I have my problems on a large tray lifting it high over my head handing to God. Here you go Father, I’m tired. I walk away with complete peace. What shall I do now. Be patient, walk away, and…maybe go for a drive to southern Ohio and meditate on the beauty of the landscaping. Or maybe I will go to a museum. Or maybe for a walk for some fresh air. I let the stress go, give it to God, and enjoy the life I was given. Having peace makes me happy. I can finally feel joy…and make decisions based on what I like and want. My change is grand because it’s not outwardly but one that is inside me…as time passes I hope to see more benefits from this new thinking as I embrace this new feeling. I want to look at life through a clean lens…change your thinking and you change your life.

Just Sit Up

What a foolish girl I can be! Just when I thought I lived through the worst someone comes along and proves me wrong. People all over the world has experienced devastation and destruction that changes them for the rest of their lives. They lay there on their back beaten up. Pain and loss rippled through their inner being. The will to go on has faded away. I felt that way before. I’m not the only one. There are far more situations people have gone through than myself. I’m grateful. Foolishness in my thinking has brought me to this brink. The realization that my life is good. What happened to me can be replaced with love and joy. Hearts can heal. Life does and will go on! Loss is one of the most destructive elements I have seen in my life. It could be the loss of a loved one, relationship, home, and the most serious one – yourself.

The movie Cake inspired me to write after all this time. The woman in this movie was a lawyer who was in a terrible car accident, her son and husband were killed. Her life changed FOREVER. On top of that, she sustained injuries that scarred her. She lived everyday in pain. Physical and emotional pain. She became addicted to pain medication. Think about this…she lost the most important people to her in death, and then must live in pain. My heart sank because the people I love are still here with me. My health is great. I could not imagine what a person like this goes through…maybe I do a little bit. On a smaller scale of course. Her life will never be the same. But along the way she began to find herself again. The will to carry on began to flicker. Walking around in a state of numbness and fear, clearly seen through her eyes, wore her out. A man came into her life with his five year old son. That was her awakening. Life was taken, but it gave back.

It was interesting that every time she rode in a car she had to lay the seat completely back. She laid down whenever she went somewhere. To be honest, I felt it was because of her injuries. I was wrong. It was because she was afraid to face what happened to her. I loved how that fear was illustrated. Bizarre can be a good word to use for her, but under the circumstances, I could understand. Towards the end she visited the graves of her family. She came to terms with what happened. The last scene showed her getting into the car with the seat all the way back. She lays back. Her friend starts the car. She whispers, “wait” and grabs the handle and sits up looking straight ahead…sometimes you just have to sit up…