Fuel

I need fuel to go on. It’s not the “fuel” most people think of. I need positive memories. Replacing these low, ugly memories with positive wholesome ones is a must for me. The thought of the past and the people in it are a critical downer for me. It’s upsetting and I pray to overcome them. I understand they are part of me. I’m not trying to erase them completely…I PRAY to see a little sunshine is all. My fuel is new memories with people who lift me up. I will keep PRAYING. I need some sun…now.

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No Argument Here

No Argument Here

My heart drifts

In and out of rhythm

My mind comes to a halt

Am I heartbroken?

Or distraught?

Hoping the feeling will flee

Imploring my mind to rest

My tongue curls back like a coward

Knowing silence is best

 

I will not entertain this argument again

Stomping out the battle before it begins

Lack of mutual respect hinders progress

And holds love as a ransom

Eye to eye doesn’t have to meet

As long as love abounds

This love will forever keep

Put the harsh words away

Why do we need to be on the front lines anyway?

 

On and on creates distance

We are no further

Two sinking ships

Docked at bay

Refusing to hold back our lips

My sails craving the universal love

I throw my anchor in

And wait on God above…

 

 

Goodbye

There were so many things I wanted to say. There were so many things I wanted to ask. But, not so much anymore. I don’t remember the questions. The memories are fading but the feelings are there. You caused me a lot of pain. Maybe I was comfortable with the pain because that is all that seemed to be around me. Maybe I caused it. Maybe I thrived off of it. I can reason why things went the way they did, but I will never know for sure. Does it really matter anyhow? No. I wish it didn’t happen.

Would I even accept the truth if you handed it to me on a silver platter? It really doesn’t matter anymore. You hurt me. I hurt you. It was ugly and it changed us both. You shattered my core and with that I forgive you. In return, I am sorry for how I handled things. It was painful to see you slip away. I could not reach you. You scared me. You isolated me and I became your enemy. I don’t know why. I was drowning and I tried to throw you the life jacket. My whole insides became mush and my light was burnt out. I never want to feel that again. Your reign of terror for me is over.

Just to let you know I’ve had my ups and downs over the years, but I am okay. You moved on quickly after me and I felt you threw me away like I was nothing. But, you know what? I am something. I don’t blame everything on you. I had my faults, too. I forgive you and it’s time I forgive myself, also.

I don’t want to be your friend. I had my time with you and we had our season. It’s time for a new chapter. One that will allow me to smile and see how beautiful the world is. I want you to see the beauty in the world too, but I’m no longer on the journey with you. Do the right thing in life and remember our good times. Take care of yourself…and now I must say goodbye…

Dawn

Becoming Aware Means Adjustment

What a day. My experience today was enlightening and a little disturbing. Don’t get me wrong, both were beneficial. I’ve taken these classes to help me become unstuck. I must say the first two classes were a little disappointing, but today made up for that.

I had a few things pointed out to me (and the rest of the class) that I truly was not aware of. If I was aware, I never gave it any thought. When someone stands in front of you and says it with such simplicity the emotion is overwhelming. This counselor has many years of experience and he pointed out the “overlooked” traits of someone who drinks too much. The common ones such as drinking everyday, blackouts, missing work, and so on. But, he instead brought up…being unpredictable.  What!? What does he mean by that? He went on to tell stories of himself and how his friends didn’t want to go out with him anymore. He got too drunk and caused trouble. People are uncomfortable around people like that. They don’t want to be around someone being stupid. Its not a good time. My heart slipped to the floor! Is that what people thought about me?? Is Dawn just going to have one or two or is she going to become foolish? I could not fathom what I was hearing. Was I…UNPREDICTABLE? Me? The one that loves to help others. I want people to come to me for support, encouragement, and to give them a way to release their problems. How can I do that if they have no idea if I will remain in control? Heartbreaking to say the least. That word alone makes me more DETERMINED to get my act together! I never want to be known as unpredictable. It’s like saying I am a wild card…and I am not that way!!

The enlightening aspect is when I discussed depression with him and seeing a doctor. He said, “Hold off on that for a minute. If I lost all these things who in the hell wouldn’t be depressed. Before you go diagnosing yourself remember alcohol is very much a depressant.” He went on to show how the mind and body reacts to alcohol. Making it clear the heavy drinking can make you twice more likely to be depressed. Right then and there I was evaluating the last week. Seriously. Don’t you know…I am still dealing with the same issues but I don’t feel even half as depressed as I did two weeks ago. Yes, I get down and feel sad, but its not that mode where I don’t want to do anything at all. All week I got up out of bed and did my daily things. My heart hurts but I’m not crying and fidgeting. I’m smiling and even laughed a few times. I put make up on and did some sit-ups. No, I’m not soaring like an eagle by no means, but I’m more positive. I know this sounds stupid but I’m…ALERT. I am still worried and can become anxious but I’m trying to do things to combat that. It’s true about heavy use of alcohol being a depressant. I am a witness! Because of the counselors comments I was able to see the difference. I would actually like to go somewhere. Trust me, I am not perfect and my energy level is still not all the way there. There are times I get irritable. All I am saying is I see the difference from drinking days in a row compared to not drinking for a week.

I am thankful I went today. I became aware.

I Almost Died

My journey is unknown. I am not sure where it will lead. My hopes are enlightenment and loving oneself. Leading back to God. My conscious is being refined and these memories are beginning to spur from my mouth.

Let me explain; I am letting go of pain. I am in counseling to help me express myself and to let these things go. My first day was yesterday. My counselor asked me if I ever came close to dying. I could only think of one time. It was 2011 and I fell off a 20 foot balcony because I was drunk. Through the whole ordeal I wouldn’t discuss it. When I was in the hospital I was scared out of my mind. Flashbacks of fear and free falling tormented me while I laid there in a hospital bed. This all happened because I still loved him and I wanted to go home. I try to live on my own but I felt lost. I cried everyday. I sat in that stupid apartment drinking so the pain would go away and I could sleep. Well, that didn’t go as planned.

When I returned home I joked about it. Went to work in pain just to pretend it didn’t happen. Getting back into a routine was the key for it all to go away.  The doctors told me I should be glad I am alive. My mind refused to accept anything. I kept telling myself I was okay. I’ve talked about the accident on rare occasion while drinking. Hey! It’s easier that way. Then it hit me yesterday. I talked about it in front of a group of strangers. I was completely sober and the feeling was indescribable.  It wasn’t a joke. I relived that day all over again. Everything went silent as if no one was in the room. My mind raced through the course of the day of the accident. What lead me to drink are the same reasons I continued to drink…love, homesick, extreme loneliness, low self-esteem, and rejection. My soul was sick. My soul was tired. But, I pretended I was okay. After I “returned” to the room, everyone was silent. The counselor said, “wow.” I came home and cried for the innocent girl that was lost. Unaware, I became a little agitated for the rest of the day. I’m not sure why. Maybe because the thought of being dead and not seeing that life is good? Or maybe a big hug from someone who loves me could have helped me release that memory to the wind after I let it out…

None the less, I let it go. A unique sensation came over me and I’m not sure what it was. Hopefully, I will come to understand what it was. First, I must keep talking…I think.

 

 

I

 

Throw The Shovel Away

I dug myself a hole. Confused and lonely I stood there in my grave. My heart aching for love and companionship. Everything looked abstract, no clear answers. Maybe I wasn’t asking the right questions. Could I have been looking in the wrong direction?

I decided to throw the shovel away and tilt my head towards the light. Where is that dang ladder…

 

In The Toilet

I’ve been struggling in coping with just about everything in my life lately. I’ve lost the hope of having a home, a man I care deeply for, and a job that would allow me to get ahead in life. My footing was slipping and I lost sight of my priorities. My dreams seemed to go right down the toilet! And the toilet is where I found myself! My insecurities and depression saturated my every thought. Day after day I dwelled  in self pity. In my heart I know I tried everything I knew to do, nothing seemed to work. I’m not a bad person. I try to do the right thing and be a kind person who loves to help others. Nothing seemed to matter. My living circumstance is not ideal. Oh! I miss my old place. I miss being in school. I just wanted a family so bad. My heart still aches at the thought…

Sitting here memorizing every step and every word of my life has brought me to this conclusion:

There are things that don’t belong to me. I try to possess these so called dreams and hold onto them for dear life. Life has other plans for me. In reality, none of these things were worth it.”

I will not give up…I just wave goodbye.beautiful face

 

I Feel Nothing

It’s been some time since I have written in this blog. I suppose I cannot put into words how I feel. Strangely as it may seem, I don’t have anything to say. I don’t want to hold conversations with people…like…no one. Forcing myself to speak is exhausting. I came across a poem this morning summing up what I go through. As terrible as this poem may appear, I find comfort in the way I am. It’s not healthy. Maybe because I know no other way. I wish I could express myself better. Anyways, here is the poem;

Broke

Do Not Underestimate Recall

It was comparable to those old black and white movies back in my great grandparents day. How one scene jumped to the next scene. The reel just kept moving with antagonizing glimpses, not full pictures…just one glimpse after another. That is what happened to me in my kitchen of my old house, my old life. The room was spinning and it all came to me. Each scene was playing out quickly. Every word he said with every move began to make sense. The truth spread through me like a cancer. What spurred this revealing heartbreaking recall? One act of faith from a sinner that was tired and distraught in how sick and hopeless people are. In how hopeless I was. From that moment Jehovah took control…over me at least. He knew this was an opportunity for redemption and to bring me back.

With my legs shaking in fear, I recalled Jesus standing before the governor. I remember how Jesus remained silent through the scriptures. I read it and He recalled it. Jesus knew it did not matter what he said because they were going to judge him wrongly anyhow. When I was there, I began to pray and God recalled to my mind what Jesus did. I stayed silent. When I was in the backseat the authorities under the fake God of this system of things were intimidating me. My heart was racing but the drug nor their tactics prevailed. I kept silent. They were looking for me to act out.  They were looking to me for blame. They sorely ,almost, accomplished their agenda against me because of my vulnerability. All what I say is truth. Those glimpses of Jesus and what he did is true. It’s not a miracle. It’s an act of God on a small scale. I thought God is going to show them who is boss. And I was definitely on His side. Let’s suit up. I now realize He stretched out His hand because of the very thing I asked Him for.

At times those memories haunt me. They’re powerful memories. Oh! but how vital they are in my transformation. To know I am not alone brings me tranquility and a sense of belonging. Above all, I have been given a freedom of choice. I’ve reacted poorly to some situations and have responded with wisdom in others. The understanding of still doing what is right and obeying God’s law under any and all circumstances IS beneficial.

The sinner, King David, life was protected by God when he was on the run. King David is well known and historically proven beyond the pages of the Bible. His name was found written on the wall of Jerusalem in modern day. There is ample proof that he did exist and was king. Listen to what he says through these verses. You can apply them literally or spiritually:

Psalms 119:109-112

“My life is in constant danger, But I have not forgotten your law. The wicked have set a trap for me. But I have not strayed from your orders. I take your reminders as my permanent possession, For they are the joy of my heart. I have resolved to obey your regulations At all times, down to the last…”

No matter what is happening; no matter who is trying to hurt you. God says to obey even if it hurts. Today, I must apply this to my life. I’m still a work in progress and my sins still are there, but I won’t give up because I know these words were born faithful and true.

 

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